The Zelda Christmas Party!
by Galaxy Girl
Summary: Take every holiday special you've ever seen, throw it in a blender with an Ocarina of Time cartridge, add some sugar and egg nog and hit frappe. The results will taste terrible, but it's sure a good read!
1. Prologue: Egg Nog, Harry Potter, and Bas...

The Zelda Christmas Party! -AKA- The Ultra-Christmas-Cliché Fic -AKA- Seven Little Holiday Tales  
  
by Galaxy Girl  
  
CHAPTER ONE: THE BEGINNING!  
  
A/N:  
  
(CONFETTI!)  
  
Hey hey! Happy holidays, everyone! Have a Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Kwazy Kwanzaa! Great Ramadan! Happy December! Whatever! YAAY!  
  
Please forgive me... I had some eggnog earlier, and that always makes me hyper. Hee hee heee...  
  
A few notes: Thanks to people who make all those cliché-ee Christmas specials... They're so much fun to make fun of! Heh heh... also, this is a partial G/I shippy story. If you can't handle it... (Or if you don't know who G/I are...) then tough!   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The following story is true. It involves twelve people on a seemingly typical Christmas Eve... But tonight is truly anything but typical.   
  
One boy will have his nerves tested when a battle begins over who has bought him the best present...   
  
A Sheikah woman will make a big sacrifice for her Secret Santa, the identity of which no one seems to know...   
  
A girl will go above and beyond to buy the perfect gift for her friend, even if it means tangling with a really freakish elf-wannabe...   
  
An evil king will attempt to destroy Christmas forever...   
  
A pair of Gorons will go on a crazy adventure to try and save the holiday...  
  
A Gerudo will show her friend, a Zora how wonderful her life really is...  
  
And some cranky old guy will get his just deserts after 80 years of whining...  
  
Behold the wonder! Behold the cheer! Behold the eggnog! Behold...   
SEVEN LITTLE HOLIDAY TALES!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It was a snowy Christmas Eve in Hyrule, and a heavy blizzard of frosty snow was falling gently over the land. There was a nip in the air, and no one in their right mind would be outside on a night like tonight.   
Everybody was at home with their families, singing all the seasonal favorite songs. You know the ones! "Silent Night"... "Deck the Halls"... "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"...  
It seemed like everyone was in the holiday spirit on this lovely, peaceful, -14 degree evening.  
  
  
LINK'S CHRISTMAS PARTY BLUES  
  
In the Kokiri Forest, the Kokiri kids had all gathered around a beautifully decorated pole (They don't believe in cutting down trees) to partake in a feast of non-lactose non-egg Egg Nog, tofu Christmas ham, and to deck their halls with boughs of holly.   
Link, all ready for the season in his bright green tunic, was just fixing his hair in the mirror on this fine evening when Saria stuck her head in the door.   
"LINK! YOU GOTTA HELP ME!" she shrieked.  
"Agh... what is it, Saria? We're already running late for Zelda's Christmas party."  
"I CAN'T DECIDE WHAT TO WEAR!" she wailed, throwing a garbage bag full of clothes onto the hero's bed.  
Link's eyes got very big as Saria pulled dress after dress after dress out of the bag and held them up to herself in the mirror. "I can't pick! This one... This one is a nice color..."  
"They're all the same color." Link said.  
"... This one is a little big on me... This one's too small..."  
"They're all the same size."  
"That one looks tacky... This one is a little... uh... NO."  
"Saria..."  
"What? That one? You want me to wear that one?"  
"Saria, they're all the same exact dress!" Link cried in dismay.  
Saria raised her eyebrows at him and shrugged. "So? I can't pick which one! You pick."  
Link shook his head and sighed, pointing at one laid out on the bed. "Do that one."  
"It's HIDEOUS!" she wailed. "But I like this one... what do you think about this one?"  
"It's the same dress as the one you just called hideous!" Link groaned. "How about that one?"  
"It makes me look fat!" Saria pouted.  
"IT LOOKS THE SAME AS THE OTHER ONES!" Link yelled. "Now pick a dress and let's go!"  
Saria bit her lip, and recited "Eeny Meeny Miney Mo" several times before picking the same dress that she said was hideous.  
"It's gorgeous!" she sighed, staring at herself in the mirror.  
"It's fine, now let's go!" Link whined, grabbing his bag of gifts and heading for the door.  
"Link..." Saria mumbled.  
"What? Come on! We're already late!"  
"Your tunic looks a bit wrinkled..." Saria said quietly.  
"Oh my gosh..." Link gasped, staring at it. "How could I have missed that! UGH! I need to change!"  
He opened up a closet stuffed full of at least 20 Kokiri tunics, all the same size, color, and design.  
Link stared at the open closet for a few seconds, and then wailed, "I JUST CAN'T CHOOSE!"  
  
  
THE GIFT OF THE SHEIKAH (The Gift of the Magi)  
  
"IMPA! WHERE'S THE BEEF!?" Zelda shrieked, clutching her head in worry.  
"Excuse me?" asked her nanny, who was combing her hair in a mirror.  
"THE BEEF! THE BEEF! THOSE BEEF HORS D'OEUVRES I ORDERED FROM THE KITCHEN ARE NOT HERE YET!"  
"Calm down, I'm sure they're on their way." Impa said calmly.  
"THE WHOLE PARTY'S RUINED!" Zelda wailed, throwing herself on the bed.  
"Zelda, it hasn't even started yet!" Impa sighed. "Now go ahead and put on that lovely red party dress of yours. I need to change."  
"I'm sorry Impa..." Zelda sighed from behind her dressing screen. "I'm just so nervous! I got this great present for Link... I'm his Secret Santa, you know. And I hope he'll like it!"  
"Of course he will," Impa smiled. Suddenly she froze. "Secret... Santa?"  
"That's right!" Zelda grinned. "Don't you remember?"  
"Zelda..." Impa said quietly. "Do you remember who I picked...?"  
"Gosh, I don't know Impa!"  
Impa gasped and ran out of the room. "OH NO!" she shrieked as she raced down the hallway. "I COMPLETELY FORGOT! AAGGGH!"   
  
  
TINGLE ALL THE WAY (Jingle All the Way)  
  
"Zelda doesn't stand a CHANCE against my present..." Malon snickered, as she put the final touches of wrapping paper on her gift to Link. "It took all of my savings to buy it for him, and now that I have it, he's going to love it!"   
Malon didn't care if she wasn't Link's Secret Santa. Zelda had rigged the slips of paper so that she would guarantee that she got Link... Dirty little rat!  
"But it doesn't matter, because my present will completely wipe out hers any day!"  
Talon stuck his head in Malon's door as she laughed to herself. "Bes' be getting goin' there, Mal. Yer due at the castle at 8!"   
"I know Daddy!" Malon giggled. "I'm just going to call Link real quick and see if I can pick up any last minute clues for his present!"  
Malon picked up the phone and dialed Link's new number, since he had changed the last two to avoid Ruto.   
The phone rang a few times and finally Link answered it. "Hullo?" he said. "Can't talk, must get dressed and go to party!"  
"Link!" Malon cooed. "So nice to hear from you!"  
"Oh hey Malon!" Link replied. "So, what did you call for? I need to find EXACTLY the right tunic for the job!"  
"Linky, um... I got your name in Secret Santa." Malon lied. "And I was wondering what you wanted..."  
"Malon? It's 7:15 on Christmas Eve. You don't have time to go get me a present now."   
"Sure I do!" she retorted. "What do you want?"  
"Aw... well... there is this one thing... I want it more than anything else in the world!"   
"REALLY?" Malon gasped, grabbing a paper and pencil.   
"Yeah... it's so cool... I want one SO bad... If I had one, I'd be the happiest guy alive!"   
"Oh great! I'd be happy to get it for you, Link! What is it? Is it that new bow they're selling over in Kakariko?"  
"No..."  
"Is it that sword-waxing kit?"  
"No..."  
"A NEW SADDLE FOR EPONA!" Malon gasped, staring in disbelief at the saddle she had wrapped for Link only minutes before.   
"No! A Harry Potter action figure!"   
Malon gasped, and dropped the paper in surprise. "What?"  
"A Harry Potter action figure!" Link said like a little boy. "I'm the BIGGEST Harry Potter fan in the world! Oh yeah! I have all the books, AND their collector's editions! And I have the entire trading card game collection! The day the movie came out, I painted a lightning bolt on my forehead! I've seen the movie 346 times!"  
Malon stood, wide eyed and mouth open. "Um..."  
"I want the REGULAR Harry action figure! The one that comes with a wand and an owl!" Link said. "Not the one that comes with the hat and the spellbook! I have four of those! But the ORIGINAL, EDITION ONE Harry Potter figures with Hedwig and wand are SO RARE! I WOULD KILL FOR ONE!"   
Malon's heart sank. "Oh..."  
"Oh wow, I'd better get going! I'm so excited! I can't wait for the party!" he giggled. "See ya, Mal!"   
Click.  
Malon stared at the wall in disbelief for a minute, and sighed. "Huh. Well, what Linky wants, Linky gets!"   
She threw on her jacket and packed up her wallet and Link's old present (maybe she could pawn it or trade it for an action figure...), and raced out into the barn, grabbing the fastest horse that she and her father owned.  
"To K-Mart!" she cried, racing off into the night and the snow in search of the only thing that would make Link happy.  
  
  
HOW GANONDORF ATTEMPTED TO STEAL CHRISTMAS (How The Grinch Stole Christmas)  
  
Every Hylian and Gerudo liked Christmas a lot  
But this one evil king in the desert did NOT  
While the desert girls danced and sang and decorated  
He sat back and whined about all which he hated  
"I hate their dumb carols and stupid gift giving...  
I hate all their joy and their cheerful style of living...  
But most of all, the absolute, undeniable WORSE  
Is that stupid holiday they call Christmas! WHAT A CURSE!"   
Ganondorf sat in his high kingly tower  
With a frown on his face, while he sat and he glowered   
At Nabooru and the others, so cheerful below  
Decking the halls with holly and bright mistletoe  
Drinking their eggnog and Christmas party punch  
Eating gingerbread cookies and candy for lunch...  
"Look at them down there! It makes me so sick!  
How those Gerudos of mine could be so awfully thick!  
Can't they see it's commercial? This holiday cheer...  
This retail conspiracy comes once a year...  
But that's not the reason I'm whining and spited!  
ZELDA'S HAVING A PARTY AND I'M NOT INVITED!"  
The evil king stared at the envelope shiny  
With its handwriting fancy and ever-so-tiny  
"Dear Ganondorf, head Gerudo of relation,  
Please accept this formal UN-invitation  
I take insult at you blowing up my fair land  
So when Christmas Eve comes you can talk to the hand  
Cause I'm not having you at my party of Yule!  
Sincerely,  
Zelda, Princess of Hyrule"  
Ganondorf scowled even harder than ever before  
And threw the empty envelope against the door  
Then he got an idea- A nasty idea that he'd never thought   
"So everyone else is going... And so I am not...  
Why should I sit here all upset and bumming?  
I THINK THAT I'M GONNA STOP CHRISTMAS FROM COMING!"  
Ganon packed up his big bag of sorcery trickers  
And walked out the door with a sneer and a snicker  
"Zelda thinks her party will be a great affair...  
Let's just see how she likes it once I have been there!"  
  
  
DARUNIA AND LL IN: CLAUS ENCOUNTERS OF THE WEIRD KIND (The Santa Clause)  
  
Darunia struggled with the tape for a few more seconds, and then finally ripped off a big piece, placing it delicately on top of the mess of a package that he had attempted to wrap.  
"It's gorgeous!" he beamed, giving it a pat. "LL will love it!"  
"Big Brother!" yelled one of the Gorons, "Hurry up! We can't start the Christmas Eve feast without you!"  
"I'm coming!" Darunia called. "Wow, I've got so much to do tonight... First, the feast... then I have to finish wrapping all my presents for the others, and then finally I'll head to Zelda's Christmas Eve party!"  
Darunia adjusted his bright red bow tie and then raced outside to join the other Gorons, who were all staring with wide eyes at the pile of rocks they had all spent weeks preparing.  
Darunia took his place at the head of the table, and cleared his throat. "Friends... Gorons... It's that time of the year again! Christmas is in the air, and everyone is happy!"  
"WE'LL BE HAPPIER WHEN WE CAN EAT!" one Goron yelled.  
"Would anyone like to say Grace?" asked Darunia.  
LL stood up meekly. "I have a special Grace written, Dad!"  
"Oh boy!" Darunia grinned. "OK then! Go ahead! Everyone shut up! LL's gonna say Grace!"  
The Gorons all bowed their heads in silence, and LL read off the crumpled paper.  
"Good food... Good meat... Good God... let's eat."   
And with that, hundreds of napkins went flying in the air from off the silverware and the Gorons began tearing apart their food, shoving huge chunks of it into their mouths and belching soon afterwards.  
It was a sight to behold.  
  
Ten minutes later, every pebble had been eaten, and the Gorons were all sitting back, enjoying their crag-nog and granite bread cookies, while several of them took part in dramatic reenactments of the Nativity and "'Twas the Night Before Christmas".   
And finally, at around 7:30, most of the Gorons had run off to bed to dream of dancing and sugarplums and all that crap. All were waiting for the morning when they were hoping to find a great big rock or a scooter or a new pair of rolling shoes under the Christmas rock. (There are no trees on Death Mountain)  
Only Darunia was still awake. He was getting ready to go to the big Christmas party at Hyrule Castle.   
The entire city was softly rumbling from a volcanic tremor that always happened on Christmas Eve, and Darunia was humming "We Three Kings" as he did his hair.  
"Weeee three kiiiings of Orient are trying to smoke a rubber cigar. But it was loaded and then it exploded and now we're on yonder-"  
CRASH!  
"AAAGGGH!"  
WUMP!  
"What the heck was that?" Darunia gasped, looking around frantically.   
LL stumbled out of bed and into Darunia's room. "Dad... what was that sound?"  
"I don't know, son. It sounded like it came from outside the city!"   
  
The two Gorons raced to the top of the city and out the door, to see a horrible sight that was actually quite often seen in Christmas movies.   
There, sprawled out in the dirt with a giant lump on his head was the man in red himself! Santa Claus!   
The sleigh and all the reindeer were hovering patiently in the air above him, and the bag of toys had spilled out all over the place.  
"Holy CRAP!" LL shrieked. "Santa's DEAD!"  
"Wait, wait, let me check..." Darunia mumbled, stepping quietly over to the fat man on the ground. "No, he's just unconscious. He must have been hit by some rubble flying out of the volcano."   
"But Dad!" LL wailed, "How are all the children of the world going to get their presents if Santa's unconscious on the ground in front of our house!?!?!"   
Darunia began to answer, but then was quiet. "I... Uh..."   
"Gee, Dad." LL asked. "Do you think this will be like all those Christmas specials where the kid and his or her dad are in the middle of a argument or a conflict and then Santa crash lands out front and then they take the sleigh and the reindeer and decide to drop off all the Christmas presents to all the kids of the world and on the way learn the true meaning of Christmas and get over their fighting and live happily ever after?"   
"I think so, son." Darunia said, hopping into the sleigh and taking the reins. "Hop on! We've got to save Christmas!"   
  
  
RUTO'S WONDERFUL LIFE (It's a Wonderful Life)  
  
"Christmas! What a waste!" Ruto sobbed, opening up the makeshift oven door in her cave all the way in Zora's Domain. "It's not even worth it if you don't have anyone to share it with!"   
She lit a single match and threw it into the oven, igniting a bright flame.   
The Zora Princess was wearing a parka and earmuffs, with four pairs of mitten on each of her fins in addition to sixteen leg warmers on each leg. "It's too cold in here!" she wailed again, shivering.   
Christmas was never a very comfortable time for Zoras, what with their living in the water and being sensitive to temperature and all. But they enjoyed celebrating it anyway.   
Except for Ruto, that is.   
She had recently been blown off by her reluctant fiancé. AGAIN. And this time, she didn't see any reason to go on.   
Ruto sniffled again, and put on another parka. "It's too cold in here... Where I'm going, it's never cold..."   
Suddenly the door of her room was flung open, and a frantic figure in pink raced in.  
"RUTO! HOLY CRAP, I WAS ALMOST TOO LATE!" Nabooru shrieked, all decked out in her Christmas best for Zelda's big Christmas party that night.   
"Nabooru? What are you doing here?" sighed Ruto.  
"You were supposed to meet me at Lake Hylia so we could head to the castle for the party! But then I heard from some Zora that you were planning on going somewhere where Link could never dump you again! Oh thank goodness I got here before..." Nabooru said all in one breath.  
"Huh? Nabooru, what are you..."   
"An oven? Ohhh, Ruto that's an awful way to do it..." Nabooru shuddered.   
"Nabooru! What the heck are you talking about!?" Ruto shrieked. "There IS no other way for me to warm up my room!"   
"Oh Ruto, take a look at yourself! Do you know how terrible life would be without you in the world?" Nabooru said consolingly, patting Ruto on her shoulder.  
"Huh? Nabooru, what's the matter with you? What are you talking about?"  
Nabooru smiled pleadingly. "Please Ruto, don't do this! I'm going to show you! It's in my powers, Spirit, you know... Come on! I'm going to show you what life would be like if you were never born!"   
"Wow, cool." Ruto said. "But where did you get the idea that-"  
"Oh thank you for reconsidering, kid! It's such a tragedy that someone so young..."  
"Nabooru!"  
"And look at all you have to live for! I'm going to show you that you're a vital part of this world!"   
"Nabooru! LISTEN TO ME!" Ruto yelled. "What are you talking about?"  
"Come on!" Nabooru yelled. "We haven't a moment to lose! Remember, Zelda's party starts at 8:00!"   
The Spirit Sage put her hands together and the room was filled with bright orange light, and Ruto gasped.  
"Nabooru... HEY! WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO-"  
And the pair vanished!   
  
  
RAURU'S CHRISTMAS CAROL (A Christmas Carol)  
  
"Bah, HUMBUG!" Rauru snapped, slamming the door in the caroler's faces.   
The old man lived all alone in the Sacred Realm, and he liked it that way. No pesky kids to spoil his quiet days or to trample his begonias there.  
"Humbug! Christmas!" Rauru growled, plopping down on the couch again. "I may be a Sage, but that doesn't mean I run around celebrating stupid holidays like Christmas! Humbug!"   
No one seemed to know why Rauru hated Christmas so much. Maybe he didn't receive exactly what he wanted one year. Maybe it's because someone he loved dearly died near Christmas. No one knew. But the old Light Sage hated Christmas with a passion, and was determined not to let anyone ruin his silent, lonely holiday for him.   
But since I'm the narrator and I know everything about the characters and what they're thinking, I'll tell you why Rauru hated Christmas.   
Once, when he was twelve, after a joyful Thanksgiving, young Rauru had begun to pack on pounds, like everyone does. But it was because of his extra pounds that he had caused a terrible accident.   
All he had wanted for Christmas that year was a brand new baseball bat. A big, beautiful, polished wooden baseball bat.   
But his family had been too poor to buy him one... So young Rauru had to survive without hope of receiving his new baseball bat.   
On Christmas Eve of that fateful year, his father had arrived home with packages of gifts for everyone. Rauru sat by the fireplace near the stairwell, knowing that his baseball bat was not among them.   
"Here you go, son..." his father had said, handing Rauru a long package with bright wrapping paper.   
"Thanks..." he had mumbled glumly.   
Rauru took his present into the kitchen to celebrate over dinner with his family, and they all sat down to a delicious Christmas goose.   
In the course of the meal, Mrs. Rauru's Dad had dropped her new earrings from her son onto the floor.  
"Oh Rauru honey, could you please get those for me?" she asked.  
Rauru stood up and bent over to get them while clutching his gift, but his gigantic butt knocked over his glass of milk, starting a horrible chain reaction.  
Trying to avoid splashing milk on her new dress, Mrs. Rauru's Dad had leaped up out of her seat, crushing the cat's tail with her chair leg. The cat screamed, and jumped up onto Rauru's Dad's face. Rauru's Dad screamed in pain, and began stumbling around, trying to get the cat off. As he did, he knocked over a book on the bookshelf, which caused a Domino effect and knocked a heavy statue of a bowling ball off the shelf and onto a fork on the table that was loaded with mashed potatoes.   
The scalding hot spuds had flown through the air, splattering into Rauru's head. Of course, Rauru screamed and lost his balance, falling over backwards...  
And down the stairwell, clutching his gift and screaming all the way.  
When they finally got Mrs. Rauru's Dad's old thumbtack collection that had ever-so-conveniently been placed at the bottom of the stairs removed from her son's butt, they told Rauru that a terrible thing had happened as he fell.  
Inside the box was that same beautiful, brand new baseball bat that Rauru had asked for. But as he fell, it splintered in the box and Rauru got his poor hands loaded up with splinters. He could never partake in his favorite sport of jigsaw puzzle assembly again.  
  
And THAT'S why Rauru hated Christmas.   
Anyway, the old Sage of Light was watching Oprah when it happened. He heard a clunk outside his living room.  
"Bah, Humbug! Who are you?" he snapped.   
"RAURUUUUUUU..." a voice wailed.   
"What?"   
"RAURUUUUUUU..." the same voice wailed again.   
Suddenly, the door swung open and a figure wrapped up in chains and locks and ropes and irons of all sizes clunked into the room.   
"AAGGGGHHH!" shrieked Rauru at the top of his lungs. "TAKE THIS, YOU CAD!"  
He pulled out a shotgun, and the figure just shook his head and sighed.   
"Rauru, Rauru... You don't even recognize your old childhood friend?"   
Rauru stopped. "D-D-Dampé?"   
It was the ghost of Dampé the gravekeeper of Kakariko! Rauru's old buddy from high school!   
"That's right!" Dampé said. "And I've had it about up to here with your whining and groaning about how much you hate Christmas! And apparently, so have the spirits!"   
"Dampé!" Rauru gasped. "What... what happened to you?"  
"I DIED!" Dampé screamed angrily. "DUUH!"   
"What are those chains?" Rauru whimpered.  
"Oh, I tripped over a box and fell into a locksmith's shop on my way over here." Dampé explained. "Now listen up! The other ghosts and I are sick of your moping around! What happened to you on Christmas all those years ago was an ACCIDENT! Get over it!"   
"GET OVER IT?" Rauru shrieked, "I was scheduled to be in the Hyrule-wide Jigsaw Tournament! But that stupid baseball bat splintered me up so bad I could never use my hands again!"   
"Yeah? And you should hate Christmas because of it?" Dampé shot back.  
Rauru thought for a minute. "Uh... yeah. BAH HUMBUG! Now get the heck outta my house!"  
Dampé shook his head worriedly. "Tsk, tsk... Because you won't let me convince you to be nice, I guess we'll just have to do this the hard way."   
"What hard way?" Rauru said, ducking behind his sofa.  
"Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts of Christmas." Dampé explained.  
"Past, Present, and Future?" asked Rauru.  
"Nope. They were busy dealing with some dude named 'Scrooge', so you get the OTHER three ghosts of Christmas. They're going to show up here and convince you that you're being a stinky old coot."   
"They can't convince me!" Rauru snapped. "Now get your dead butt outta my house."   
"Tsk, tsk," Dampé sighed. "And I know all those embarrassing high school stories about you, too..."   
Rauru's eyes widened, and Dampé began to back out of the room.   
"EXPECT THE FIRST GHOST WHEN THE BELL TOLLS 7:45!" Dampé wailed. "Wait a second... IT IS 7:45! ALL RIGHTY THEN! EXPECT THE FIRST GHOST WHEN THE BELL TOLLS 7:45 AND FIVE SECONDS, AKA RIGHT-"  
Dampé disappeared into a flash of smoke, and another blazing bright light appeared in the room.   
Rauru ducked farther behind his sofa. "Uh oh..."   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Don't go away! There's plenty of Christmas cheer to go around! Stay tuned for the conclusions to the stories! Bring the eggnog! It's going to be SPECTACULAR! 


	2. How Ganondorf Attempted To Steal Christm...

HOW GANONDORF ATTEMPTED TO STEAL CHRISTMAS  
  
  
Every Hylian and Gerudo liked Christmas a lot  
But this one evil king in the desert did NOT  
While the desert girls danced and sang and decorated  
He sat back and whined about all which he hated  
"I hate their dumb carols and stupid gift giving...  
I hate all their joy and their cheerful style of living...  
But most of all, the absolute, undeniable WORSE  
Is that stupid holiday they call Christmas! WHAT A CURSE!"   
Ganondorf sat in his high kingly tower  
With a frown on his face, while he sat and he glowered   
At Nabooru and the others, so cheerful below  
Decking the halls with holly and bright mistletoe  
Drinking their eggnog and Christmas party punch  
Eating gingerbread cookies and candy for lunch...  
"Look at them down there! It makes me so sick!  
How those Gerudos of mine could be so awfully thick!  
Can't they see it's commercial? This holiday cheer...  
This retail conspiracy comes once a year...  
But that's not the reason I'm whining and spited!  
ZELDA'S HAVING A PARTY AND I'M NOT INVITED!"  
The evil king stared at the envelope shiny  
With its handwriting fancy and ever-so-tiny  
"Dear Ganondorf, head Gerudo of relation,  
Please accept this formal UN-invitation  
I take insult at you blowing up my fair land  
So when Christmas Eve comes you can talk to the hand  
Cause I'm not having you at my party of Yule!  
Sincerely,  
Zelda, Princess of Hyrule"  
Ganondorf scowled even harder than ever before  
And threw the empty envelope against the door  
Then he got an idea- A nasty idea that he'd never thought   
"So everyone else is going... And so I am not...  
Why should I sit here all upset and bumming?  
I THINK THAT I'M GONNA STOP CHRISTMAS FROM COMING!"  
Ganon packed up his big bag of sorcery trickers  
And walked out the door with a sneer and a snicker  
"Zelda thinks her party will be a great affair...  
Let's just see how she likes it once I have been there!"  
  
So Ganondorf, blessed with this evil idear  
Got his horse out the barn, patting it on its rear  
"Yes, my pet it's time that I got back at them  
For uninviting me and then inviting HIM!"  
He spoke of his enemy with words so hard  
I can't put them, or else it'd be rated R  
Then he mounted his horse and he rode out of sight  
Screaming, "I'll get you Zelda! I'll get you tonight!"  
  
He stopped by a cloth store on his way into town  
Walked up to the counter and said with a frown  
"Get me a suit woman, and make it real quick."  
"What color the fabric, how big and how thick?"  
"I'm a size 32, make my suit without pause!  
For tonight I must disguise as old Santa Claus!"  
The woman studied his face without really a care  
"Read that notice, you dummy. That's why it is there."  
He looked at the card to the left of her head  
And his eyebrows raised up when he saw what it said  
"No Santa suits shall be created for  
This guy with red hair, Dragmire, Ganondorf.  
He's a truly great cad and a jerk, to be simple  
Not to mention his head looks like one giant pimple.  
Sorry to bother, sorry to be cruel  
Sincerely,  
Zelda, Princess of Hyrule"  
Ganon sighed a great sigh and pulled out his wallet  
"Name any price woman, I'll be willing to call it."   
"They're Royal Family orders, you great mental mess."  
But she settled when he gave her his American Express  
Half an hour later, Ganon wore his new duds  
"Check me out, pretty mama... I'm an absolute stud.  
Now to head to the castle, and once I am there  
I'll make Zelda's dumb party an awful affair!"  
  
So he rode and he rode through the cold and the ice  
With a smile on his face, but be warned: It t'weren't nice  
'Twas a look of pure malice and anger and hate  
"Zelda's party'll be ruined... This is gonna be great!"  
And finally at last, he stopped in front of the big castle.  
Pat his horse, said "Hope it wasn't too much a hassle.  
Daddy's got a little work to do once inside.  
So stay here, sweetie... I need a getaway ride."  
The horse didn't whinny, the horse didn't neigh  
But the look on his black stallion face seemed to say  
"Hurry your butt up, you great stupid jerk  
I'll call PETA on your hiney if this plan doesn't work!"  
He strolled oh-so-casually up to the gate  
And his grinned when he got there, a grin so elate  
For the gate was unlocked! There was nobody there  
No one guarding for criminals they could ensnare   
Ganon leaped through the gate like a swan of some sort  
But on the other side, I am sad to report  
Twenty vicious Dobermans, with their teeth white and shiny  
Sunk their great vicious fangs into Ganondorf's hiney   
  
As he pulled canine chompers from the seat of his pants  
Ganon cursed and he cussed, in a strange rage-y trance  
"So the Dobermans there will not let me get through...  
I'll go over the gate, that is just what I'll do!"  
So the evil king nasty bandaged up his sore posterior   
Climbed a hill to the south. "Oh, the plan is superior!  
I'll sneak in the castle, steal gifts and the tree  
And then Zelda'll wish that she'd invited me!"  
The Dobermans watched as he crossed the big gates  
Their eyes wide and staring like porcelain plates  
He reached the other side and stared down at the dogs  
"Take that you fat over-fed puny-brained hogs!"   
He chuckled a chuckle nervous as could be   
And set off for the castle, Zelda for to see  
Unfortunately someone saw him scamper across the grounds  
Rolled their eyes, shook their head, cried, "Release the OTHER hounds!"   
Like greyhounds at a racetrack they seemed to run out  
Ganondorf saw them coming, he gave a loud shout  
And I think, that my friends, it is needless to say  
That they mauled him and bit him and dragged him away.  
  
So he sat in a jail cell in the castle dungeon  
Cursing quietly, thinking what he could have done  
If Link'd not seen him racing the opposite way  
From the greyhounds that chased him, he'd have gotten away  
But now he sat here, listening to the soiree above  
With nobody to talk to, nobody to love  
"Stupid Zelda..." he snapped, to no one really there  
"All I want's to ruin Christmas, but she don't even care."  
That's when Ganon remembered something that might work  
But might get him a reputation as a jerk  
Secret Santa was going to take place that night  
It might take some convincing, it might be a hard fight  
But Ganon knew if he could convince Zelda he had  
A present for his Secret Santa, she'd be glad  
To allow him upstairs to join up in the throng  
"Now all I need's a present. And it can't take too long!  
"A present, now sonny? That might be a bit tough,"  
Commented Ganon's cellmate, a crazy guy old and gruff  
"But I have something here that a lady might like  
It's a beaded leather sheath to keep a fighting knife clean  
Says it keeps up its shine and its newly-bought gleam!"  
"How much you want it for?" asked Ganon with a perk.  
"Oh... 500 Rupees or so should probably work."   
Ganondorf got unhappy. His morale got real bad  
At the fabric store he spent all the money he'd had  
"How about a trade?" Ganon asked with a sigh.   
"I like that cape of yours," the prisoner did reply.  
So he took off his cape, handing it to the man  
Who gave over the sheath and said, "Thank you! Come again!"  
So cape-less but with gift Ganon headed upstairs  
To join the other party guests, to get rid of his cares  
"But of course my plan to screw up Christmas is on.   
I won't stop for an instant until it is gone!"   
  
When he reached the party room, Zelda kind of freaked out  
"HE'S ESCAPED!" she cried out in a pitiful shout  
"Calm yourself, little princess." Ganon said with a sneer  
"I've a gift for someone. I've all rights to be here."   
Zelda sighed a great sigh and then turned on her heels  
To see Link, with his muscle and manly appeal  
He sat on a red sofa with a bit of party punch  
"Just a couple more minutes, then Christmas goes KER-UNCH!"   
  
  
So what happens next in the badly rhymed plot?  
Does Ganon destroy Christmas? Or does Ganon not?  
To find out the ending to this story you like-ud  
Go read the rest of "The Gift of the Sheikah"!  
If you think it'll be stupid or off with its timing-  
Listen, I promise: There'll be no more rhyming! 


	3. The Gift Of The Sheikah

THE GIFT OF THE SHEIKAH  
  
  
Impa ran, her hands on her head, all the way to her private bedroom.  
"Oh my gosh... How could I be so terrible? I COMPLETELY forgot to get my Secret Santa a present! And they'll be all embarrassed because they're the only ones without anything!"  
The Sheikah woman collapsed onto her bed and buried her head in her hands.  
"Come on Impa... Think... THINK! There's GOT to be SOME WAY to remember who I had for a Secret Santa!"   
She banged her head with her fists and paced back and forth, but there was no way around it. Impa had forgotten who she had picked.   
"I know it was a man..." she sighed. "But... who?"   
Nothing seemed to work. Impa just could not remember the identity of her Secret Santa.  
"I suppose I'd better get him a gift anyway..." she sighed. "But there's only an hour left until the party! What can I get before then?"   
  
Impa supposed her best bet would be to run down to the castle gift shop to find SOMETHING to buy for her Secret Santa.   
"So, he's a man... Well, there are only four- no, three- No, two men who were invited! Link and Darunia... And if Zelda has Link, then... YES! DARUNIA!"  
Impa stopped in her tracks.  
"Darunia? What in the heck am I going to buy HIM for Christmas?!"   
After carefully considering the situation, Impa decided that the best thing to do for the Goron King would be to run outside and pick up the biggest rock she could find.   
It was 7:30.   
Impa raced to the main entrance hall of the castle, and crept over to the switch to lower the drawbridge. She pulled the lever, and the drawbridge clanked as it lowered down across the moat.  
"AACK!"   
"AAIEE!" Impa heard from outside.   
"Oh crap! I just killed Zelda's guests with the drawbridge!"   
But when she looked outside, she saw that both Link and Saria were alive and well, just a bit spooked.   
Saria was wearing a Christmas-y green velvet jumper and a green bow, and Link was wearing... The same thing he wears everyday, with the addition of a green bow tie.  
"Hey, watch the bridge, Impa!" Saria cried.  
"Yeah!" Link yelled. "Merry Christmas!"  
"Merry Christmas," Impa said glumly. "Zelda's upstairs in the great hall..."   
"No I'm not!"   
All three of them turned to see Zelda peeking out of the helmet of a suit of armor set up across from the door.   
"Zelda... what are you doing?" asked Link.   
"Oh, just... watching for you," she giggled, kicking away the armor and running over to Link, locking him in a great big hug. "Baby!"   
Link rolled his eyes and tried to push her away. "Come on Zelda, we have to get upstairs... Oh, and by the way, did you by chance invite Ganondorf?"  
Zelda immediately released him. "WHAT? No! I UN-invited him!"   
"Well he just ran across the lawn of the castle pursued by about a hundred vicious greyhounds and dobermans with his underwear hanging out of his ripped pants."  
"No WAY!" Zelda gasped. She ran to the door and looked out into the blinding snow and cold.  
"AAAAAGGGH! GET AWAY! DOWN BOY! DOWN! NICE DOGGIES! NICE DOGGIES!"  
"Well, there goes Ganondorf across the lawn of the castle," Saria sighed."ROWF! ROWF! ROWF! CHOMP! ROWF!"  
"And there's the hundred vicious greyhounds and dobermans," Impa added. RIIIIIIIIIP!   
"AAAAAIEEEEE! COLD! COLD!"   
"And there's his ripped underwear," Link said coolly.   
"GUARDS!" Zelda shrieked, "I SOOOOO UNINVITED HIM! BUT HE'S HERE ANYWAY! ARREST HIM!"  
A big group of guards scampered across the lawn and snagged Ganondorf before the dogs could finish ripping him to shreds.   
A few minutes later, they were all standing in the door of the castle holding the torn-up evil king.   
"Princess, what shall we do with him?"   
Link and Zelda stared coldly at Ganondorf, who was trying to stop the bleeding with an old towel.   
"Hang him by his thumbs in the dungeon!" Link snapped.  
"No! Call the castle dancers and have them perform 'The Nutcracker' on his groin area!" Zelda grinned evilly.   
"NOOOOOO!" Ganondorf screamed, dropping to his knees.   
"Oh come on, you guys! It's Christmas Eve!" Saria scolded.   
"But he's our mortal enemy!" Link and Zelda cried.  
"He kidnapped me more times than anyone can count!" Zelda squealed.  
"He blew me up several times over!" Link snarled. "Now it's payback time!"  
"You guyyyys... Come on! So what if he's an evil creep?" Saria cooed, giving the battered evil king a great big hug.   
Ganondorf stared at her confusedly.  
"It's Christmas Eve! Don't punish him! Let him stay here in the warm castle until the storm stops!" Saria suggested.   
Ganondorf gave Zelda the sad puppy face. She rolled her eyes, frowned and put her hands on her hips.  
"Oh... FINE! He can stay!" she groaned.  
"YIPPEEEE!" Ganondorf cheered.  
"... In the dungeon." Zelda added smoothly.  
"WHAT?!"  
"I didn't invite you to my party but you showed up anyway! You big jerk!" Zelda yelled. "You can stay! But you have to stay in the dungeon the whole time!"  
"Awww..." Ganondorf sighed. "But... it's Christmas Eve! Can't I have a little bit of refreshments?"  
Link gave him a look, and Zelda scowled.  
Saria glared at both of them.   
"Agggh, fine." Link shrugged. "One little quick cup of eggnog. Then it's off to the dungeon with you, Ganon-dork!"   
"And some ribbon candy?" Ganondorf added.  
"Don't push it," Zelda snarled.   
"Sheesh. You pull one little world domination stint, and then no one ever speaks to you again! And people wonder why I'm evil..." Ganondorf whined as the guards dragged him away.  
The whole time, Impa stood back watching the conversation. She felt sorry for Ganondorf... all alone, with no friends in the world... All alone in the cold on Christmas Eve, with nothing better to do than crash a party that he wasn't invited to just to get a little company.   
Zelda, Saria and Link made their way back up to the party room and Impa remembered where she had been heading.   
"Oh, that castle gift shop... All the rocks are buried under the snow. Maybe I'll buy Darunia a little Spiritual Stone replica or something."   
"OWWW!" she heard from around the corner. "YOU BIG JERKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO, YOU IMBICILE!"   
"Poor Ganondorf," she sighed. "Maybe I'll get him a little something too..."   
  
Finally, Impa reached the castle gift shop, where she picked out a couple of nice things. For Darunia, a little clay model kit that let you build a replica of Death Mountain and Kakariko Village. She figured it would be like a pack of chewing gum for him.   
And in the very back of the shop, she had found a lovely clasp that could be used to strap a cape onto your shoulders. It was gold with little Triforce designs on it. It wasn't very expensive, but Impa knew he would appreciate it.  
He may be an evil jerk, but everyone deserved a special surprise on Christmas.  
Impa placed her purchases on the counter, and the clerk rang them up. "How d'ya wanna pay, honey?" asked the clerk.   
"Here, take my Lady Visa." Impa said, handing her credit card to the woman.   
The clerk scanned the card, and shook her head. "Sorry, hon. This only has enough credit on it to pay for the clay model."  
"Oh..." Impa said quietly. "Um... just a second..."   
She dug into her pocket, but she had no more money.  
"I..."   
"'S all right, hon. We take trades, too."   
"Oh." Impa replied.   
She looked around in her pockets for anything that she could trade. "How about... some ABC gum?" she asked hopefully.  
The clerk raised an eyebrow.   
"Um, all right... how about a paper clip? A hair tie? A little bit of lint?"   
The clerk shook her head.  
"Well the only other things I have I'm wearing..." Impa sighed. "It's all right... never mind..."  
She took the model kit and turned to leave.  
"HEY!"   
Impa stopped in her tracks. "What?"   
"That knife! Where did you get that?" the clerk demanded.  
"It's my most prized possession. I won it in a card game when I was 12." Impa smiled.   
"It's gorgeous! I have never seen a knife with that fine of quality since the old days!" the clerk beamed. "Tell you what, sweetie. You can take your cape fastener, if I can have your knife."  
"WHAT?" Impa gasped.  
"Don't worry, don't worry. As soon as you pay me 15 Rupees for the fastener, you can have your knife back. I promise."   
Impa sighed. She thought of how happy she had been when she had won that knife... And then she thought of Ganondorf, down in the cold, stinky dungeon, all alone except for a few crazy people... With no Christmas cheer or presents...  
"All right," Impa said. She unstrapped her knife from her back, and gave it a teary kiss. "Don't worry sweetie... I'll be back soon..."  
She turned away and covered her eyes as the clerk took the knife and handed her the re-wrapped box in which Ganondorf's present was set.   
  
"IMPAAAAAA!" shrieked Zelda as Impa walked out of the gift shop.  
"WHAAAAAAT?" Impa yelled back.  
"THE HORS D'OEUVRES ARE NOT HERE YET!" Zelda cried worriedly.  
"ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I'LL GO TO THE KITCHEN AND CHECK IT OUT!" Impa whined.   
She turned in the direction of the kitchen and then she saw it- The door to the dungeons right next to the kitchen entryway.   
A big sign on the dungeon door said, "DUNGEON OF ETERNAL TORMENT. ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE IN THE CUSTODY OF A GUARD. HAVE A NICE DAY! :)  
Impa took a deep breath. "Come on... it's the nice thing to do... All I have to do is go down there and see him for just a second..."   
  
At the bottom of the dungeon steps, Impa was shocked to find Ganondorf missing... and even more shocked to hear a scream of terror from upstairs.  
"HE'S ESCAPED!" shrieked Zelda.  
"ZELDAAAA!" Impa cried, racing up the stairs, past the kitchen, and through the many corridors of the castle to the room where the party was taking place.   
  
When Impa arrived in the room, everything seemed to be calm. Link and Saria were still the only guests to have arrived, and Zelda was laughing and sipping punch as she flirted with Link, who was sort of trying to get away from her.   
And then she saw Ganondorf, enjoying a paltry cup of Christmas punch on the red sofa, where he sat, looking lonely.  
Impa cleared her throat and sat down next to him.   
He stared at her, and tried to lick the last of the punch out of his glass.  
"Um... hi." Impa smiled.   
"Hi," Ganondorf replied, crushing his cup and staring angrily at the Christmas tree in the corner.   
"So, uh... when did you get up here?" she asked.  
"When I decided to escape and come up... I hate Christmas." Ganondorf scowled. "Because no one ever gets me presents or invites me to Christmas parties... even now, I'm only here because I got arrested while trying to ruin the party for everyone." He glanced at Impa's surprised face. "Oops. I shouldn't have said that."  
"So, listen..." Impa said quietly. "I kind of... felt sorry for you, with no one to talk to and all... So I..." She blushed and handed him the red package.   
Ganondorf's eyes popped out and a wide grin spread across his green-complexioned face. "WOW! A REAL CHRISTMAS PRESENT!" he cried. "WOWWEEEE!"   
Impa smiled at him, and he thrust the messily wrapped package that he had used to get into the party at her. "Here! I was saving this for someone, but since you're so nice, you can have it!"  
Impa grinned too, and both of them tore away the wrapping paper on their gifts.   
"OH WOW!" Ganondorf squealed. "A NEW CLASP FOR MY... my... cape..."   
"OH MY GOSH!" Impa cried. "A BEAUTIFUL NEW SHEATH FOR MY... my... knife..."   
Both of them stared awkwardly at their gifts, and then Ganondorf spoke up.   
"Wow, this is great, but... I traded my cape to an old crazy guy in the dungeon for your knife sheath..."  
"And the case is beautiful... But I traded my knife to the clerk at the gift shop for your cape clasp..."   
They both laughed nervously.   
"You gave up your favorite knife just to buy this for me?" asked Ganondorf.  
"Yeah, and you gave up your cape so you could get this beautiful sheath..." Impa added a little sadly.  
They were both quiet, and then they both screamed, "THAT'S THE SWEETEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE FOR ME!"   
Ganondorf grinned and stared into Impa's entrancing purple eyes...  
Impa smiled and stared into Ganondorf's pale green skin...  
Then they both leaped into each other's arms and made out like they had accidentally stepped under a mistletoe tree!   
  
"GAAAAH!" Link groaned, when he caught sight of them.  
"HOLY CRAP! IMPA!" Zelda shrieked.  
"Aww, that's so sweet!" Saria sighed.   
  
Suddenly Impa stopped. "Wait, wait! Ganondorf, what about your plan to destroy Christmas?"   
"Huh?" Ganondorf mumbled. "Whaddya mean? Christmas is my favorite holiday!"  
"Since when?" Impa giggled.  
"Since... NOW!"   
And then they were at it again. I suppose you could have called it... sweet... I guess...   
  
Then a miracle happened that magical way  
Ganondorf's little heart grew three sizes that day  
He'd found his true love under the mistletoe  
And of course Ganon didn't want Christmas to go!  
Because he'd had no cape and she'd had no knife  
They'd given the best gifts ever given in life  
For they gave of themselves, with money or without  
Because that is what Christmastime is all about!  
(GAG!) This moral's getting way, WAY too mushy  
I don't like reading stuff that's romantic and gushy...  
So we'll say that that couple beside the Yule log  
Made out because Impa'd drunken a bit too much egg nog!  
  
~THE END~ 


	4. Tingle All The Way

Tingle All the Way  
  
  
Malon rode on for what seemed like hours through the blinding snow and cold. She had only packed a light jacket, and she was shivering with cold.  
Finally, she saw it... A beacon of hope, a beacon of freedom from the bitterness of the ice and snow...  
A giant red K.  
"K-MART! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO GLAD TO SEE YOU IN MY LIFE!" she grinned, hopping off the horse and trudging through the knee-deep snow to the front door...  
Where she found at least 200 other people bundled up in all sorts of winter clothing, counting their money and pounding on the door.  
Malon was shocked. "What... what are you all doing here? Why aren't you at home with your families?"   
"Probably the same reason as you, sweetie," a large man replied. "They're having a Christmas Eve sale! EVERYTHING is 75% off!"  
"GREAT!" Malon cried jubilantly. "Excellent! So I'll get Link's present, and then head to the castle for the party... oh yes!"  
"What are you here for?" asked a woman.   
"A Harry Potter action figure." Malon said simply.  
The crowd of potential shoppers looked around at each other, and then burst out laughing.   
"AAAHAHAHAHAA! WOULD YOU LISTEN TO THIS? THIS GIRL THINKS SHE'S GONNA FIND A HARRY POTTER ACTION FIGURE AT 8:00 ON CHRISTMAS EVE! WAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"  
Malon's face turned bright red, half from cold and half from embarrassment. "Why are you laughing?"   
"We're laughing because there's no way in heaven or on earth you're going to find a Harry Potter action figure now! Those are the most popular toys in the whole world right now!"  
"Yeah, kid," added a man with his arm in a sling, a black eye, and a broken nose. "I came here the other day and bought the last one for my little tyke. See? I have a picture!"  
The man held up a picture of himself holding up the exact Harry Potter figure that Malon sought with a triumphant look on his face. Six people behind him were holding baseball bats, and a few were trying to snatch it out of his hands.   
"I broke my nose in twelve places trying to get out of that store!" the man laughed.   
Malon's eyes widened. "Well... they must have gotten a new shipment, right?"   
The crowd of potential shoppers looked around at each other, and then burst out laughing.   
  
A small squeaky-voiced teenage employee of the K-Mart came outside holding a large megaphone. So large, in fact, it was a bit too heavy for him.   
"Welcome to K-Mart's Christmas Eve sale!" he yelled. "We have a new shipment of Harry Potter toys on aisle 10, and... well, I don't know why anyone else would be here if they didn't want Harry Potter toys... And we'll be opening the doors in 10 minutes, so please-"  
The teenage employee was interrupted by the shattering of glass as two-hundred and one shoppers burst into the store on a mad buying rampage.   
"I was about to say that the doors open automatically!" the teenager whined.  
  
Inside, Malon found herself pushing and shoving in a mad rush to get to the all-popular aisle 10. But the crowd of shoppers running each other over to get to the Harry Potter aisle didn't make it easy.   
"HEY! MOVE IT! OUTTA THE WAY! I NEED A HARRY POTTER TOY!" Malon shrieked, shoving a few other customers.   
"SO WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL!?" screamed back a bunch of other customers.   
Malon scowled, and then found a big aluminum baseball bat oh-so-conveniently placed on a shelf near where she stood.   
"OUTTA THE WAY!" she screamed again.  
When the wave of shoppers didn't disperse, Malon taught them a thing or two about batting stance.   
"OUCH!"  
"YEEEOUCH!"  
"HEY!"  
"WHACK!"  
  
Finally, Malon cleared her own way onto aisle 10, where she became involved in a wrestling match to get to the shelves with all the Hogwart's goodies.   
"Move it, lardo!" Malon shrieked, kicking a fat man in the gut and slapping an old lady with her purse.   
"AT LAST!" Malon cried joyfully. "I reached the shelf of... board games? NO, NO, NO! I want the ACTION FIGURES!"   
Suddenly, a push in the crowd sent Malon flying onto the shelf of board games, sending the boxes flying into the crowd. "OUCH!" she whined.   
"HOORAY!" yelled the lucky customers who caught the board games.   
Malon looked around the shelf she was on frantically. If she could find an action figure from here...   
So, "swimming" along the shelf, Malon finally reached the section of the shelf marked with "ACTION FIGURES", and seeing a break in the crowd right in front of it, she leaped into it and looked up at the shelf.  
There were NO ACTION FIGURES LEFT!   
"HEY! THEY'RE ALL GONE!" one woman cried.  
"BUT MY SON WANTED ONE SO BAD!" a man shouted.   
Suddenly, the same teenage employee came on the loudspeaker with an announcement:   
"Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that we are currently out of Harry Potter toys. But don't worry! Because we just received a shipment of Lord of the Rings action figures on aisle 19, and-"  
There was the sound of glass breaking and every single customer who was on aisle 10 immediately stampeded off to aisle 19, trampling poor Malon underfoot as they did.   
  
Woozy and bruised, Malon sat up groggily, and surveyed the mess that was aisle 10.   
Price tags and cardboard and sale signs and pieces of the shelves lay all over the floor, and every shelf was stripped bare of everything, except for huge stacks of papers announcing the Christmas Eve sale that patrons had dropped in their rush.   
"No! No, no, no! They can't all be gone! They just can't be!" Malon wailed, looking around.  
Nope, they were all gone.  
Not one Spellcaster Playset nor Professor Snape Potion Class kit was left. Not a single special edition Professor Quirrell figurine or Nimbus 2000 replica was still in the store.   
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Malon screamed, dropping to her knees and tearing out her hair. "I HAVE THE CHANCE TO BUY THE PERFECT PRESENT FOR LINK, AND I BLOW IT! WAAAAAA!"  
All of a sudden, a single screw that was holding one of the shelves together tumbled out of place and hit a large messy pile of paper. It made a small WHUMP noise, and then bounced onto the floor.   
Malon stared at the screw, and then at the paper. Metal shelves didn't make WHUMP noises... and paper didn't either...   
  
She scrambled over to the shelf and brushed the papers aside.   
There, in the pile of papers, was a cardboard backing much like you would see on a Harry Potter action figure...   
"ONE LEFT!" Malon gasped. "I AM SO LUCKY! But... is it...the one Link wanted?"   
She picked up the package and was delighted to see that it was heavy... There WAS an action figure inside, but which one?   
She slowly turned over the package...   
And staring back at her was a plastic boy with blackish hair, green eyes, and a lightning bolt scar on his forehead.   
"IT IS THE RIGHT ONE!" Malon shrieked. "LOOK! THERE'S THE WAND! AND THE LITTLE OWL! HOLY CRAP, I DID IT! YESSSSSS!"  
She hugged the package like it was her own child, and then leaped into the air, landing on her knees and holding up the package triumphantly, "Mary Katherine Gallagher" style.   
"HARRY POTTER!" she squealed with joy.   
In all her happiness, Malon didn't hear a buzzing in the air over her head. But she DID feel her hands get lighter.   
"HEY!" Malon shrieked, leaping to her feet.   
Hovering in the air above her, holding Malon's precious Harry Potter action figure, was a very, very psychotic, very, very scary-looking little man with a huge beak-like nose, a red face and a weird beard, with one single eyebrow over his very drunkish-looking eyes. He wore a bright green jumpsuit with red underpants on the outside, and was floating in the air by a bright red balloon that was coming out of his pants.   
"OOOH! Harry Potter!" Tingle grinned. "Tingle have been looking all over for you! You will make wonderful centerpiece on Tingle's Christmas dinner table!"   
"HEY PAL!" Malon shrieked, "That's mine! I found it first!"  
"Did not!" Tingle giggled.  
"Did too!"  
"Did not!" Tingle giggled.   
"DID TOO! NOW GIVE IT BACK BEFORE I BEAT YOU TO A SCARY GREEN PULP!" she squealed.   
"OOH! White clothes, red hair... ma'am, could you by chance be a GIRL WHO'S JUST LOST HER HARRY POTTER ACTION FIGURE? Tingle knew it!" Tingle giggled maniacally. Then he zoomed off towards the check-out counter.   
"YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" Malon shrieked angrily. She grabbed the screw that had helped her find the action figure in the first place, and said a little prayer.  
"HELP MY AIM BE TRUE, LITTLE SCREW!" she whispered, chucking the screw with great speed and careful and precise accuracy, where it hit Tingle by his butt-balloon, popping in and sending the little freak flying into a dog pile of customers fighting over a single Frodo action figure.   
  
"OOCH! OUCH! YOU HURT TINGLE!" Tingle shrieked in pain from within the dog pile.   
Malon laughed, and raced over to where her beloved Gryffindor Harry had landed.   
"There you are, little friend!" Malon smiled. "Now, let's go to the checkout counter!"   
Suddenly, she heard a whistle from behind her, and when she turned around, she got a nasty surprise.   
Tingle, who was only about waist high on Malon, waved at her cheerfully and then sank his razor sharp little teeth into her ankle.  
"OW! OW! OW! IT'S BITING ME! IT'S BITING ME!" she screamed. "HEEEELP! IT'S BITING ME!"   
Tingle was like a little bulldog or something. He would not let go of Malon's ankle, no matter how many times she slammed him in the door of a little plastic playhouse and now matter how many times she hit him with her trusty crowd-dispersing baseball bat.   
"I'M GONNA GET RABIES!" she wailed, kicking Tingle with her other foot. Finally, Tingle let go and jumped up onto Malon's head, pulling her hair and trying to snatch the action figure out of her hands.   
"GIVE TINGLE POTTY-POT-POTTER AND TINGLE WILL LEAVE RED ALONE!"  
"DON'T CALL ME RED, YOU LITTLE PERVERT!" Malon squealed.   
Seconds later, Tingle jumped off her head, snatched the action figure out of Malon's grip, and raced down the bike aisle.   
"NOOOO! GET BACK HERE!" Malon shrieked.   
  
Before she could stop him, Tingle leaped into a Power Wheels Barbie Beach Cruiser Jeep and hit "Forward" on the simple controls. The car began to roll along steadily at .34 miles an hour on its way towards the sports equipment aisle and the checkout.   
"Oh no you don't!" Malon cried, jumping into a Power Wheels Volkswagen Beetle.   
It was a very thrilling chase, watching two fully-grown adults race each other around the bike aisle, with Tingle taunting Malon with her action figure and Malon shouting profanities.   
"DOESN'T THIS THING GO ANY FASTER?!" she screamed. "AHA!"   
Malon saw the small switch with three pictures on it. One was of a turtle, with SLOW written next to it. The next had a picture of a car, with NORMAL written on it. There was then a rabbit and a cheetah with the words FAST and REALLY FAST, followed by a jet plane with the word TURBO. And finally, there was the button Malon was looking for. It was a picture of a person with their cheeks stretching backwards as if going extremely fast, written next to it was LUDICROUS SPEED.   
"AHA!" she giggled wickedly, pressing the switch to LUDICROUS SPEED and hitting the tiny plastic gas pedal.   
The little Slug Bug kicked into action at a thrilling 5 miles an hour, and Malon quickly caught up to Tingle.   
Tingle stared at her, and then at the baseball bat she was holding.   
WHACK!  
The little elf-wannabe went flying out of the Barbie jeep and into a big shelf display of Legos, and Malon reclaimed the precious action figure, turned right, and headed for the checkout.   
  
Malon turned onto the final aisle in the store... The board game aisle!   
And there she found Tingle waiting, with a few surprises on his hands. He had taken all of the blocks that he could find on the aisle surrounding the Lego aisle, and built an impenetrable fortress across the walkway. He sat on top of the nearest shelf, laughing. "Let's see stupid Red pass Tingle's mighty Wall of Doom!"  
"You mean that tiny, badly stacked wall of building blocks that I just ran over?" Malon asked coolly.   
Tingle snapped to attention and saw that Malon had run over his first wall. "Oh yeah?" he snarled. "Let's see stupid Red pass Tingle's Impenetrable Wall of Legos!"   
Malon saw a small wall built of Legos in the middle of the aisle. It was only two feet wide and six inches tall.   
Malon turned right and passed by the wall without any trouble at all.   
"OH YEAH!?" Tingle shouted, thoroughly angry now. "Let's see stupid Red pass Tingle's Terribly Trivial Wall of Board Games!"  
"Oh, ha, ha, I'm so... DEAD!" Malon gasped, when she saw the towering wall of board game boxes that rose all the way up to the top of the aisle and spread all the way across. If she hit them, she'd be crushed in a pile of boxes!  
"ABANDON SLUG BUG!" Malon cried, jumping out of the car while still cradling the Harry Potter figure.   
The Slug Bug drove another three feet, hit the board game wall, and was crushed to bits in the remains of the toppling tower of Sorry, Connect Four, and Monopoly.   
"TINGLE WILL TAKE THAT!" Tingle laughed, jumping off the shelf and grabbing the action figure from the still-dizzy Malon.   
"NOOO!" Malon screamed. She raced after Tingle who fled down the sports equipment aisle.   
Malon grabbed a baseball and threw it with all her might at Tingle. He deflected it with the package. "HEH HEH!" he laughed.   
Tingle then grabbed a lacrosse stick and pitched the ball at Malon, who dodged it.   
Malon grabbed a basketball and threw it as hard as she could at Tingle. He bounced it off the package, and laughed again.   
Tingle grabbed a gigantic rubber ball and hurled it at Malon. It hit her in the head and knocked her on her butt.   
"AHAHAHA!" laughed Tingle, preparing to fold up the cardboard on the action figure and stick it in his backpack.  
"NO! DON'T BENT IT!" she screeched. "THAT ACTION FIGURE IS A COLLECTOR'S ITEM FOR MY BOYFRIEND! Or actually, soon to be boyfriend..."   
Tingle giggled. "Is that all you got?"   
Malon looked around suspiciously, and then grabbed a hockey stick and puck from the shelf. She set the puck on the floor, grabbed the stick, and gave a mighty WHACK!- In a slap shot that would have made Wayne Gretsky jealous.   
The puck whizzed through the air, bounced off a basketball hoop up above, deflected off of a large pink rubber ball, and smacked Tingle right in the teeth, knocking the scary little elf out cold, as well as relieving him of ever needing to brush his freaky-looking teeth ever again.   
Malon strolled over to Tingle casually, and snatched Harry Potter out of his hands, counting Tingle's teeth on the ground as she did.   
"That's for biting me, you little freak." Malon spat, picking up a Barbie that had been knocked off of its rightful shelf during the ball fight, and placing it in the elf's hands.   
"Take that home to mama, you little creep!" she snickered, racing to the checkout.   
  
The clerk handed Malon her beloved action figure, and she skipped merrily out to where the horse had lit a fire in a trash can to stay warm.   
"Come along, my beloved pony!" she sang. "It's time to give Link his beautiful Gyffindor Harry Potter action figure with Hedwig the owl and with magic wand!"   
She bundled up, placing the precious action figure in her saddlebag, and set out for the castle, Zelda's party, and Link.   
  
Malon hadn't been riding more than five minutes when she heard someone singing Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyrie" behind her.   
"OH NO!" she screamed when she turned to see who it was.  
Tingle, who had come to, had repaired his butt-balloon with one of the huge rubber balls from the sports aisle. He was now coming at Malon with top speed, more than likely to steal her action figure.   
"I ALREADY PAID FOR IT! YOU'RE TOO LATE!" Malon shrieked.   
"IT NEVER TOO LATE FOR TINGLE!" the maniacal little elf-wannabe laughed, pulling out a bubble gun.   
But because it was so cold, each time Tingle fired a bubble, it froze solid and shot at Malon, exploding with the force of a Christmas tree light bulb and stinging like nuts.   
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Malon shrieked.   
"GIVE TINGLE HARRY POTTER!" Tingle cried back.   
"WHY DO YOU WANT IT SO BAD?" Malon yelled.   
"TINGLE WANT JOIN HOGWART'S SCHOOL!" Tingle shouted.   
Malon skidded to a halt. "Whaaat?"   
"TINGLE TIRED OF TRYING TO BE FOREST FAIRY! TINGLE WANT BE WIZARD LIKE HARRY POTTER!" Tingle shouted. "AND TINGLE CAN'T DO THAT WITHOUT HARRY POTTER ACTION FIGURE TO TEACH TINGLE!"  
Malon spurred the horse again, and Tingle tried to speed up. "YOU MORON! IT'S JUST AN ACTION FIGURE! IT CAN'T TEACH YOU HOW TO BE A WIZARD!"  
"IT NOT ACTION FIGURE! IT REAL HARRY POTTER, HE BEEN TURNED INTO PLASTIC!" Tingle cried.  
"WHAAAT?"  
"TINGLE WILL USE FOREST FAIRY MAGIC WORDS TO TURN ACTION FIGURE INTO REAL HARRY POTTER, AND HE TEACH TINGLE TO BE WIZARD!"   
"WHAT THE HECK'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?"  
"TINGLE DROPPED ON HEAD AS BABY! HOO HOO HOO HOOOO!"  
"Fine!" Malon screamed at Tingle. "Believe what you want! But it's MY action figure and I AM NOT GIVING IT UP!"  
Malon rode through the miserable cold as fast as she could, forced by Tingle to continue without stopping. The whole time, the weird little dude was screaming about how Harry Potter could teach him this and that and everything, and occasionally using his "magic words" to try and speed up.   
  
But finally, Malon could see it: HYRULE CASTLE! In all its castle-y glory!  
She rode right through the town of Hyrule and towards the gates of the castle, with Tingle close behind.   
"RED CAN'T WIN AGAINST TINGLE!" Tingle giggled maniacally.   
"I'M ALMOST THERE!" Malon shouted.   
Suddenly, Malon could see Link's silhouette in one of the high towers of the castle.   
"LIIIINK!" she screamed.   
He leaned his head out the window. "WHAAAT? OH! MALON! HI!"  
"OPEN THE DRAWBRIDGE! QUICK!" Malon squealed.   
She was within 20 feet of the drawbridge when it finally lowered enough for her to enter.   
She spurred on the horse and screamed, "CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT UP AGAIN!"   
Malon skidded to a halt in the main entrance hallway, where Link, Impa, Ganondorf, Saria and Zelda were all waiting.   
"CLOSE IT!" Malon shrieked.   
"IT'S TINGLE! AAGH!" Saria screeched.   
"CLOSE IT!" Link yelled.   
Zelda began struggling with the drawbridge once again, trying to shut it, while Tingle drew closer...   
"Oh, GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Ganondorf cried, pushing Zelda out of the way. He stepped up to the wheel, and spun it like he was playing Wheel of Fortune. The drawbridge slammed shut, and seconds later, there was a loud BANG!  
"OWWW!"   
Malon collapsed onto a sofa near the door, and the horse collapsed on the arm of the sofa, equally exhausted.   
"Malon! What the heck happened?!" Link cried.   
"I... I... I... went shopping..." she panted. "Can... I... have... some... eggnog?"   
"Uh... sure..." Zelda said. "Come on. The party's upstairs."  
Saria walked over to offer Malon a hand up the stairs, and Malon used Saria as a support, pushing down on her head.   
"Ow..." Saria whined.   
"That was a wonderful spin, my love..." Impa sighed.  
"Not as wonderful as the spin my heart did when I laid eyes on you..." Ganondorf replied.   
"Yuck! What... happened... to... those...two?" Malon panted.   
"Long, LONG story..." Link sighed. "So Malon, who were you shopping for so late on Christmas Eve?"   
"You..." Malon smiled happily, her eyes fluttering.  
Zelda turned red, and shoved her way in between them. "Yes, yes, good, good. Now then! Malon, you can give Link his present later when the others get here. It's already 8:10... I wonder what could be keeping Rauru, Ruto, Nabooru and Darunia?"   
If only she knew...   
Once in the party room, Malon collapsed on the couch and dug in her saddlebags when she was sure Link wasn't looking.   
She pulled out the little Harry Potter figure in its shiny, new packaging, that was still in perfect condition after all it had been through.   
"Oh yes, my little wizard friend..." Malon smiled smugly. "You and I- We make a great team. Just like Link and I... And you're going to help me, too! I think I love you..."  
She gave the action figure a great hug, and tucked it back in the bag before leaning back on the sofa, watching the fire, and smiling at her own good luck.  
  
Meanwhile, outside, Tingle dragged himself up out of the snow. "Oooh... Tingle feel so groggy..."   
He looked up at the castle door, where he could see an imprint of himself. "AAGH! Red got away with Harry Potter!"   
Tingle sighed dejectedly and kicked the snow. "Oh well... C'est la vie..."   
The creepy little elf-wannabe then turned towards the castle grounds and scampered off through the snow, surprisingly happy for someone who'd just lost a rare Harry Potter action figure.   
Say, Tingle... Why are you so happy anyway?  
"Well Miss Narrator Lady... Tingle really wanted Harry Potter and to become a wizard... But don't forget: Tingle knows there's always E-Bay!"   
Then Tingle skipped merrily the rest of the way across the grounds and back to wherever he had come from.   
But Tingle didn't notice that when he hit the drawbridge, it had left a small, lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead, right in between his eyes...   
  
~~THE END~~ 


	5. Darunia and LL in: Claus Encounters of t...

Darunia and LL in: Claus Encounters of the Weird Kind!  
  
  
"Uh... Dad?" asked LL warily. "Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, just leaving Santa out in the cold like this... And stealing his sleigh?"   
"Of course not." Darunia answered simply. "What are you waiting for? Come on!"   
LL shook his head, rolled up the legs of his PJ's, and stepped into the sleigh. "This is turning out to be one of those nights..."  
Darunia saw that Santa had left his keys in the ignition for the sleigh, and he reached out to turn them when...   
"EEEEEEEH! EEEEEEEEH! EEEEEEEH! HO, HO, HO! STEP AWAY FROM THE SLEIGH! YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO THE SLEIGH! HO, HO, HO!"  
"Uh oh, I set off the alarm!" Darunia hissed. "How do you turn it off?"  
"I'm only three years old! How do I know!?" LL whined.   
Darunia began to angrily slap the control panel of the sleigh, until finally, the alarm shut off and an electric eggnog dispenser poured out two cups of the stuff.   
"Wow, neat." Darunia grinned, grabbing the reins again. "Um... What are you supposed to say?"   
"I think it has something to do with the reindeer..." LL guessed. "Let's see... I think I can remember... You know Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer, and Vixen... Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..."  
"But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?" asked Darunia.  
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose." LL replied.   
"Of course!" Darunia nodded, grinning. "I remember now! On Masher! On Mancer! On Pantser and Nixon! On Vomit! On Stupid! On Conner and Splitzen! And on Valentino!"  
"That's not what I said, Dad..." LL sighed.  
But nevertheless, the reindeer began to run in thin air, scampering across the sky on their way to the next stop on their route.   
"Hey wait!" Darunia cried, tugging on the reins. "I just remembered! I have no idea how to drive a sleigh!"   
"I think it's on auto pilot." LL shrugged. "I think the reindeer know where they're going."  
Sure enough, with Valentino (Er, Rudolph) and his red nose out front, the reindeer were automatically steering themselves across the great plains of Hyrule, all the way to the Real World, to the small town of Hotchkiss*, CO.  
  
*Real town, I kid you not.   
  
The reindeer slowed down automatically when they neared the first house in the sleeping town of Hotchkiss. The sleigh remained floating in midair, and Santa's bag spit out three small presents labeled "For Billy", "For Milly", and "For Willy".   
"I guess this is our first stop!" Darunia grinned. "Now down through the chimney!"   
"Dad..." LL shivered in the cold, "There is no chimney."  
"Whaddya mean there's no chimney? What do you call that thing?" asked Darunia, pointing at what he assumed was a chimney.  
"That's a drain pipe." LL whispered. "These people don't have a chimney. They have a door!"   
"Santa doesn't use a door! Pssh, where do you get goofy ideas like that?" Darunia chuckled, grabbing an extra red hat and coat from the glove compartment. He put them on, and struck a pose. "How do I look?" he asked his son.  
"Surprisingly, like Santa," LL giggled.  
Darunia picked up the three presents, and prepared to leap onto the roof to slide down the "chimney".  
"Uh... Dad!" LL hissed. "You can't get in that way! It's a drain pipe!"  
"Oh, sure I can!" Darunia chuckled. "It's just a little jump."   
Darunia carefully estimated the average distance from the sleigh to the roof, and then carefully estimated the average impact he would make with his weight times the acceleration of the fall from the climax of the jump to the roof with an average of .233 seconds added for the sake of accuracy, and...  
No, no, never mind.  
Let's just say he jumped, K'?  
  
And so, with a jump as high as he could (2 feet), Darunia leaped onto the roof with a majestic grace rarely seen in Gorons, and landed gently on the top of the house...  
Gently enough to crack the edge of the roof, throw him off balance, and send him crashing through the roof of the ranch duplex and sending the gifts, the couch, and everything else in the living room flying.   
LL winced when he heard his dad hit the ground, and then leaned his head into the giant hole in the roof and cried, "Dad! Are you all right?"  
There was the sound of loud yipping, and of a few screams from the owners of the house. Seconds later, Darunia came flying out the front door of the house, with a tiny Chihuahua on his heels.  
"AAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" he shrieked. "PICK ME UP! PICK ME UP! PICK ME UP, LL!"  
LL quickly steered the reindeer down towards the lawn, and Darunia jumped into the sleigh just before the Chihuahua closed its puny jaws on the Goron King's feet.   
The dog's barking terrified the reindeer and they began to speed up before Darunia was completely in the sleigh.   
The Sage of Fire's immense weight weighed down the back of the sleigh and allowed just enough time for the Chihuahua to clamp its tiny cake-hole onto the runners of the sleigh to catch a ride.   
Darunia jumped into the sleigh panting and sweating, and LL sighed in relief. "I told you it wasn't a chimney, Dad!"  
"Other than some slight damage to the roof..." Darunia panted, "I'd say that our first delivery was pretty much a success."  
  
Back at the house, the owners of the Chihuahua and the now desecrated roof stood in the middle of their wrecked living room, scratching their heads.   
"Wow, Daddy!" a cute little boy grinned, pulling on his father's pajamas. "Was that Santy Claus?"   
"I... think so..." the dad said, rather confusedly.   
"Wow, Daddy! Santa sure gained weight since last year!" the boy piped up.  
  
  
A FEW HOURS AND A BUNCH OF DELIVERIES LATER...  
  
Darunia and LL had reached the other side of the United States already, and they found themselves in the sunny city of Orlando, Florida.   
Well, it was sunny during the day anyway. Right now it was nighttime.   
"How many deliveries do we have here, son?" asked Darunia.  
LL (who had mastered the sleigh's computer into auto-piloting along the route and into making them a batch of Christmas cookies) took a bite of a cookie and pointing to a very long number in the corner of the monitor.   
"That many," he said, grinning. "I think you've gotten the hang of this, Dad!"   
"I certainly have!" Darunia grinned, as they flew over the first house.   
"Incoming neighborhood!" LL cried.  
Darunia grabbed the sack of toys and stood at the back of the sleigh, awaiting orders.  
"Three to 1087 Main Street!" LL yelled.   
Darunia opened the sack, and three presents magically flew out and Darunia chucked them down the chimney of the right house.  
"Four to 1089 Main Street!"   
The correct presents leaped out of the bag and Darunia, with careful and precise aim, launched the brightly wrapped gifts down the chimney.   
With that neighborhood down, Darunia put away the sack and leaned back in the leather cushion. "Ah... this isn't so bad!" he chuckled.  
"Dad, we've got a problem!" LL groaned. "Look at the reindeer! They're getting tired!"  
"WHAT?" Darunia gasped. "They can't get tired! They're MAGIC!"   
"They're hungry, too!" LL pointed out. "Dancer's Frequent Flyer Miles are down to 30%!"  
"Santa must keep some reindeer food on board..." Darunia mumbled. "But where?"  
"Maybe it's one of those bags right there in the glove box," suggested LL.  
"How did you know?"   
"Just a guess," LL shrugged.  
Darunia pulled out both bags. One was labeled, "INSTANT REINDEER FOOD. JUST ADD WATER." and the other was labeled "INSTANT SNOWSTORM. USEFUL FOR COVERING YOUR TRAIL AND FOR CREATING WHITE CHRISTMASES. JUST ADD WATER."  
"It's this one!" Darunia chuckled, very proud of himself. "We need some water!"   
"Here you are!" LL said, handing his dad a glass of water.  
"WHAT? Where'd you get that?" asked Darunia.  
"From this big compartment labeled 'Water'." LL answered.   
Darunia shrugged, poured the contents of the glass into the bag, and shook it up. Then he tossed it over the front of his sleigh and the reindeer were instantly energized.  
"Ta da! Problem solved- Oops..." Darunia mumbled, as he bumped the other bag with his butt and sent it hurtling over the side of the sleigh.   
"Dad!" gasped LL. "What was in that bag?"   
"Instant Snowstorm. No big deal," Darunia shrugged.  
"NO BIG DEAL? DAD! WE'RE OVER FLORIDA!"  
  
"... Hello, this is Drinka Litaufeggnog with your late news here in Florida... Apparently, the largest snowstorm in Florida history has begun to fall over Orlando. With over 1/2 inches of snow and no end in sight, it has lead some Floridians to ask... 'What exactly was in that Christmas punch I drank tonight?'."  
  
  
  
SEVERAL HOURS AND MANY, MANY DELIVERIES LATER...  
  
Darunia and LL were at their last stop on Earth... the White House in Washington DC.   
"This is it, Dad! After this we have to get back to Hyrule!" LL sighed in relief. "We really did it! We saved Christmas!"   
"Not yet..." Darunia said triumphantly. "For until every person on Earth gets what they want for Christmas, our job is not yet complete!"   
The sleigh pulled over next to the roof of the White House, and Darunia packed up the proper presents for the interns and the President and First family into an extra sack.  
"All right... Here I go!" Darunia nodded. "No chimney here... I will just have to get in the old fashioned way!"  
"Oh no... not the roof again Dad, that-"  
"No! The door!"  
"Oh. Go for it!"  
Darunia jumped onto the roof, which to his delight did NOT splinter and cave in, and tiptoed quietly along the roof of the presidential home.   
Finally, he found an inconspicuously placed ladder leaning alongside the house, and he climbed down and headed for the door...  
Where he was met by a pair of burly, muscular, very tough looking security guards.   
"Uh oh..." whispered Darunia through his hat-o-phone. "LL, there's guards here! What do I do?"  
"Uh... Try and sneak around them?" LL replied.   
Darunia, with all the stealth of a white whale on a black background, tiptoed up to the door of the White House and attempted to open the door...  
"Hold it, bub!" one of the security guards barked.  
Both of them pulled out their guns and Darunia put his hands up in the air.   
"Who do you think you are, and what do you think you're doing sneaking into the White House at 1:00 AM on Christmas Morning?" snapped the other one.   
"I think I'm Santa Claus, and I think I'm delivering presents?" he guessed.  
The guards paused, and threw skeptical looks to each other.  
"So, you're Santa Claus, huh?"   
"Then I guess there's only one thing we can do with you..."  
There was the clicking of guns, and Darunia broke into a cold sweat. They were going to shoot him!  
Suddenly, Darunia was engulfed in a giant hug by both guards, and they both started cooing and giggling like little girls.  
"OOH! SANTY CLAUS!" giggled the first one.  
"I'VE WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE TO SEE YOU!" the other one cooed.   
"DIDJA BRING ME A TOY? DIDJA? DIDJA? DIDJA?!?!" both of them chattered, jumping up and down ecstatically.   
"Uh... let's see now... what are your names, sons? Ho, ho, ho!" Darunia said in a low Santa-Claus voice.   
"I'm George!" one guard cried.  
"And I am Lennie! I am Lennie!" the other guard giggled.  
"George and Lennie! Ah, here we go!" Darunia smiled, handing the guards their presents.   
George and Lennie both ripped open their presents like a pack of wolves on fresh kill.   
"IT'S A... IT'S A..." George stuttered.  
"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! IT'S A..." Lennie gasped.  
"A BOB THE BUILDER PLAYSET!" George shrieked, holding it up triumphantly.  
"A SPIN N' SAY ANIMAL NOISES EDITION INTERACTIVE LEARNING TOY!" Lennie gasped.   
"THANK YOU SANTA, THANK YOU!" both guards wailed in joy.   
Darunia tiptoed quietly into the White House while George and Lennie played with their new toys.  
"BOB THE BUILDER!" George sang. "'CAN WE FIX IT?' BOB THE BUILDER! 'YES WE CAN!'"  
Lennie pressed the lever on the side of the Spin N' Say and the little arrow in the middle spun around wildly, landing on a square.  
"The dog says 'Woof'," a voice said.   
"The pig says 'Oink'."  
"The politician says 'I don't recall'."   
  
Into the many corridors and hallways of the White House went Darunia, dropping off presents in the many offices and bedrooms as he went.   
Finally, he reached a room with a big fireplace and hung all around it, the stockings of the employees and interns and presidential cabinet members.  
"This one goes to Dick Cheney..." Darunia said, placing a box of donuts in the Vice President's stocking.  
"This one goes to Colin Powell..." he whispered, as he put a set of army men and one of those big long pusher things that the generals always have in war movies in the Secretary of Defense's stocking.  
"And this one goes to... Uh... he's not here anymore..." Darunia mumbled, sticking a box labeled "Victoria's Secret" back inside the bag.   
Finally, it was time for Darunia to deliver the gift for the President himself into the Presidential Bedroom for the effect of surprise in the morning.  
  
After what seemed like hours, Darunia found himself standing in the room where he would leave the gifts for the President and Mrs. Bush.  
"OK... For Dubya we've got a brand new suit, a set of pens for signing important documents, and a toy truck. For the Mrs., we've got new perfume, a new formalwear dress, and a 'My Size Barbie'."  
Darunia carefully set the presents down on the floor, and noticed a note tacked to the mantle over the fireplace.  
  
Deer Santa-   
Pleeze enjoy this coke.  
-From Georgy and Laura  
  
~~~~(COCA-COLA COMMERCIAL SCENE)~~~~  
  
Darunia picked up the ice-cold, bubbly, refreshing Coke and took a big sip of it.   
In brightly colored doorway near the Presidential bedroom there appeared the shadows of Laura and George W. Bush, watching him intently.  
"It's Santa!" whispered Laura.   
"Shhh!" George giggled.  
Darunia pretended not to notice them as he enjoyed the Coke.  
Laura burst into giggles, and Darunia set down the Coke and gave a play-stern look to the First Family. Then he threw out his arms and the President and Mrs. Bush ran forward and gave him a big hug.   
Laura Bush took Darunia's red Santa Hat and tried it on, and George giggled and stared in awe at the Goron-In-Red.  
Suddenly, the kids (er, the President and First Lady) look at the Christmas tree in the corner and see that it is glowing brightly with swirly red light. Fire Sage Powers!  
Both George and Laura giggle, and Darunia winks and takes another drink of Coke.   
TRA LA LA LA LA, ALWAYS COCA-COLA!   
  
~~~~(AND BACK IN THE REAL WORLD...)~~~~  
  
"AAAAAGGGGH!" shrieked Laura Bush. "THE TREE'S ON FIRE!"  
"What?" gasped Darunia.   
Sure enough, the swirly red magic-y stuff had set the tree on fire.   
"D'OH!" Darunia cursed, smacking himself in the head. "I forgot! I'm the FIRE Sage!"  
"AAAHH! STOP DROP AND ROLL, TREE!" George screamed.  
The President and Mrs. Bush raced over to the tree and threw it to the ground, rolling it all around on the carpet to extinguish the fire.   
Darunia quickly grabbed the Coke and poured it on the flaming tree. Surprisingly, it worked better than a fire extinguisher.   
With the smoldering tree on the ground, and fire alarms and security breach alarms going off all over the place, Darunia, Dubya, and Laura Bush stood in the room, staring stupidly at one another.  
"Are you really Santa?" asked Dubya in awe.  
"No. I am the king of a race of video game characters from the Legend of Zelda series. Santa was knocked unconscious by a falling bit of rubble from the volcano on which I live, and my son and I commandeered the sleigh in order to save Christmas. Hello, Mr. President!" Darunia answered, all in one breath.  
"Wow!" Laura Bush gasped. "Then, who are you really?"  
"I'm... OUTTA HERE!" Darunia shrieked, leaping out the window as the security guards entered the room.   
  
Darunia raced around front and towards the sleigh, with security guards on his tail firing pepper spray pellets and beanbag bullets and all that kind of non-lethal stuff.   
"AAAAGGGH!" he shrieked at LL, who was frantically trying to steer the sleigh down and pick up his dad. "LL! I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT!"  
"DAAAD!" LL gasped, as the Goron King's pursuers got closer and closer.  
The sleigh touched the ground, but the security guards already had Darunia surrounded.   
"ALL RIGHT, MR..."   
"Goron! Darunia Goron!"  
"ALL RIGHT MR. GORON! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT! ANYTHING YOU SAY OR DO CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW!"  
The security guards were approaching Darunia fearfully now, staring in awe at his powerful sinewy muscles and 2000 pounds of pixilated sheer Goron strength.   
"What... what are you?" gasped one guard.   
"Goron." Darunia shrugged. "What are you?"  
"... About to pee in my pants..." another guard shuddered. "Chief! What... what is this thing!!?!"  
"HIGHLY DANGEROUS!" yelled the chief of security.   
"Whoa, me, dangerous? That's pretty silly guys. Considering I'm just a random collection of tan and yellow pixels..." Darunia chuckled, holding up his arms.  
"AAGH! HE'S MAKING THREATENING GESTURES!" one guard screeched.  
"GET HIM! SHOOT HIM!" another cried.  
"What? No!" Darunia gasped.  
He heard the clicking of guns, and all of the White House security had their laser sights on Darunia... when all of a sudden, they heard a terrifying noise...  
"YIP YIP YIP YIPYIP!"   
"AAAAGGGGGGH! IT'S A CHIHUAHUA!" shrieked several of the guards.   
They all dropped their weapons and sped off like their butts were on fire.  
Who else was running across the White House Lawn, yipping like mad, than Fleshy the Chihuahua! (Remember? From the second page? He was riding on the runners, remember?)  
"FLESHY!" Darunia squealed, cuddling the vicious little dog. "I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU IN MY LIFE!"  
Fleshy yipped angrily and snapped at Darunia. Darunia laughed and ran back to the sled.  
"Come on, LL! Let's go back to Hyrule! We need to drop Fleshy off at home where he belongs. To Hotchkiss, Colorado!"  
"And then home?" asked LL.  
"Uh, yeah."  
  
  
"WHY AREN'T THEY HERE YET?!?" Zelda shrieked, staring at the clock. "They're almost 15 minutes late!"  
"I'm sure they'll be here, Zelda." Saria told her reassuringly, patting Zelda on the back.   
"Darunia, Ruto AND Nabooru are ALL LATE! How could they make me worry like this?!" Zelda wailed.   
"It's probably not on purpose. Maybe something came up!" shrugged Saria.   
Secretly, Saria was hoping that something would happen or Darunia would get here soon... she was SO BORED. And if she had to watch Ganondorf and Impa making out on the couch for another second, she was liable to go insane.  
Saria turned her sights over to where Link and Malon were talking by the table, set up near a flight of stairs that lead down to the kitchen.   
Skipping merrily over to see what was up, Saria heard Link and Malon's conversation.  
"Uh, listen, Link... I know we're not supposed to give gifts yet, but... I got this for you, and I can't wait to see the look on your face when you open it!"  
Link took the oddly-shaped package from Malon and shook it. "You mean, open it now?"  
"Yeah!" Malon glowed, pulling out a Polaroid camera and grinning wildly.   
Link shrugged, and tore carefully away at the tape on the corner of the package. He neatly removed that strip of tape, and moved on to one on the other corner...  
"Oh, please don't tell me you open presents slowly and orderly!" Malon whined.  
"I like to save the paper!" Link smiled.   
Malon snatched it away from him and ripped off the paper. Then she handed it back to him, got behind the camera, and snapped a picture of Link's ecstatic face when he saw the gift.  
"HOLY CRAP!" Link shrieked, distracting everyone else at the party. "IT'S... IT'S... IT'S... THE ONE!"  
"Do you like it?" Malon smirked. "It took me three hours to find it! And I had to fight off a creepy little elf-wannabe, too."   
"IT'S GRYFFINDOR HARRY POTTER!" Link wailed, his eyes welling up with tears of joy. "GRYFFINDOR HARRY POTTER WITH MAGIC WAND, HEDWIG THE OWL, HOGWART'S SCHOOL ROBES, A COLLECTIBLE CASTING STONE FOR USE WITH THE SPELLCASTER PLAYSET, AND A TINY LITTLE GRYFFINDOR BADGE!"  
"Isn't it great?" Malon grinned, scooting closer to Link for the kiss that she was sure was coming.  
"IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL! I mean, I've had dreams... but never... I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING THIS BEAUTIFUL IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" The Hero of Time burst into joyful tears and cradled the action figure like it was his child.   
"I'm glad you like it!" Malon giggled. "So... Linky-Poo... what do you say?"   
Link forgot just how much he hated being called Linky-Poo just long enough to grab Malon by the shoulders and make like a mistletoe tree was over them.  
(We'll skip that part...)  
When he was finished, Malon stood straight up again, rather dazed but blissfully happy.   
"Ya know Link..." she mumbled happily, attempting to earn some more kiss-points from him, "I've heard that those things are worth over a thousand Rupees if they're in mint condition in the box..."  
Malon was interrupted by the sound of cardboard being torn, and when she turned around, she saw a horrible, horrible sight...  
Link was sitting on the sofa, making the Gryffindor Harry Potter figure stroll across the couch. He had pulled a Draco Malfoy figure out of his pocket, and was making POW noises as the two plastic wizards pointed their wands at each other.   
Malon froze, and she felt the hair on her neck stand straight up. "What... what are you doing!?"   
"Playing Duel!" Link replied happily, knocking the Malfoy figure off the sofa with the Harry Potter figure.   
"YOU TOOK IT OUT OF THE BOX!?!?" she shrieked, the anger in her voice rising.   
"Yeah. Why? I'm not the kind of collector where I don't play with my collection." Link shrugged. "What's the fun in collecting toys if you can't play with them?"  
"OUT OF THE BOX!? OUT OF THE BOX!?" she screeched in anger.   
"Yeah. Hey Malon..." Link giggled quietly, giving Malon a playful look. "I really, really like your present... Do you... Do you... Well, I think you're really pretty, and... would you like to... go out some time?"  
Many thoughts flashed through Malon's brain as she stared, seething with anger at the action figure that she had gone through so much for...   
She remembered the freezing cold of the wind and the searing heat of the sweaty crowd at K-Mart... She remembered wrestling with Tingle, him gnawing on her ankle like a rabid little dog, the Power Wheels chase around the sports aisle, and the great crushing wall of board games...   
And for WHAT?! She was so sure that the figure would be kept safely on a shelf... Safe inside its box where Link could admire it and think of her.  
NOT REMOVED FROM THE PACKAGING!  
Malon had always been the type of collector who kept things in boxes... All of the Charmy dolls she had ever bought were still in the boxes, their perfectly styled hair still in mint condition.   
To her, the idea of a collectible out of its box was appalling.  
So Malon took a deep breath, faced Link, and coolly said, "No Link... I think we should just be friends..."   
She turned around and stomped away angrily, leaving Link, Harry, and Malfoy to their little plastic duel.   
Saria had seen the whole thing from her spot by the stairs. As Malon came stomping by towards the punch bowl, Saria cleared her throat. "Erm... Malon?"  
Malon stopped in her tracks, glaring ahead at nothing. Her head abruptly turned and she snorted at Saria. "What?"   
"I think it was really sweet what you did for Link. You shouldn't feel bad just because Link wants to play with it instead of keeping it in the box."  
Malon stared into Saria's sweet face, and a change came over her.   
Instead of being angry to the point of exploding, she was now SEETHING and angry to the point of exploding.   
"Oh, shut up you little idiot!" Malon snapped, shoving Saria in the general direction of the kitchen stairs.   
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OH! OW! OH! OW! OH! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOW- (WHOMP) OWWWWWW!"  
  
Malon crashed on the couch angrily, staring in rage at Ganondorf and Impa, who were cuddling and watching the fire next to her.  
Impa giggled and looked at Malon. "Merry Christmas, Malon."  
"Yeah..." Ganondorf chuckled. "Very merry..."   
"Shut up." Malon said glumly. "I don't see how tonight could get any worse..."  
Suddenly, they all became aware of a pair of voices screaming loudly from outside, and the sound of something shooting through the air with great speed.   
Malon stood up to look out the window. "What is that..."  
At that second, both LL and Darunia went flying through the windows of the room, both of them crashing into Malon, sending her crashing into the couch, sending it crashing into the back wall.   
WHAM!  
  
Malon was way too dazed to hardly even move...   
Darunia and LL both stood up from where they landed, rubbed their heads dizzily, and saw Malon, bruised and smushed on the floor.   
"Oh, hi Malon!" LL grinned.  
"Hey, did we hurt you at all when we came in?" asked Darunia. "Sorry... the reindeer stopped so abruptly we could hardly keep ourselves from flying into the window!"  
Zelda was standing by the window, freaking out about how much repairs would cost, and Ganondorf helped Impa out of the closet where she had landed after the crash.   
"Oh, hi Darunia, LL!" Impa cooed cheerily. "I was wondering when you'd get here. Help yourself to some punch!"  
"Thanks, Impa!" Darunia smiled, as he and LL skipped off to the refreshments. They had, after all, saved Christmas!  
Malon waited until she had partly regained her senses to reply to Darunia.   
"Darunia..." she called to him across the room.  
He and LL strolled back over to the spot where Malon had been squashed by 2600 pounds of Goron, and Darunia leaned his head to the left in order to see eye-to-eye with her. "Yes?"  
"I just decided something..." she replied.  
"What's that, Malon?" asked LL.  
"I really, really, really HATE CHRISTMAS!"   
  
~~THE END~~ 


	6. Ruto's Wonderful Life

RUTO'S WONDERFUL LIFE  
  
  
"WHOA! NABOORUUUUUUUUUUU!" Ruto shrieked, leaping into the Spirit Sage's arms as the orange glow began to whisk them away to some weirdo spirit world.  
"Oh Ruto, that's it!" Nabooru cooed. "Let out your frustrations! Don't keep them cooped up like you have been, or you'll explode in a great burst of anger, and you're only hurting yourself!"   
Swirly magic orange stuff was floating like bubbles all around them, and it was beginning to get very warm. Ruto shed her parka, earmuffs, mittens, fin warmers, parka, parka, and three pairs of socks. "Nabooru..." Ruto said, once she was finished. "You... didn't have to do this."  
"Of course I did!" Nabooru said proudly. "You're a friend, and everyone would be SO sad if you weren't alive!"  
Ruto froze. "Not alive? What?"   
"Oh, I understand, Ruto... trying to block that horrible moment from your memory, when you decided that it wasn't worth living anymore..."  
"NOT LIVING!? NABOORU!" Ruto shrieked. "YOU THOUGHT... YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO..."  
"Now, now, Ruto... I know it seems like it was a dumb idea now, but I'm going to make sure that you never even think about it ever again!" Nabooru said soothingly, patting Ruto on her shoulder.  
Ruto stared forward with her eyes wide open in disbelief. "Uh... heh..." she half-giggled. "Gee... thanks, Nab... I guess..."  
"Oh look! We're almost here!" Nabooru cooed. "All right Ruto, now listen to me: We are now in the Spirit world. Because I am Sage of Spirit, I can show you this. This is an exact replica of how Hyrule would be if you had never been born."  
"Then shouldn't I be dead now?" Ruto snapped. She wasn't very happy at Nabooru's lack of faith in her.  
"No, no... no one can see us or hear us, or feel us. Think of it as being in a movie... only the other movie guys can't see you." Nabooru explained. "I'll prove to you once and for all that Hyrule is a better place because of you!"  
  
Suddenly, the orange glow faded and Nabooru and Ruto found themselves standing on the ledge by the waterfall outside Zora's Domain.   
"Whoa!" Ruto gasped, grabbing her head. "That was wild..."  
"Look! It's Zora's Domain!" Nabooru smiled. "Your house. Let's see how your father and the other Zoras are doing now that you don't exist anymore."   
Nabooru stepped back, took a running leap at the waterfall, and jumped high up into the air. A quick updraft caught the legs of her pink formal parachute pants and she floated gently around the waterfall and into the cave of Zora's Domain.  
"Wow... I didn't know her pants could do that." Ruto shrugged, following her.  
  
The Ruto-less Zora's Domain was an amazingly similar place to the real Zora's Domain. There were hundreds of other Zoras all relaxing, diving, swimming, catching fish, and playing Bingo.   
"This is what Zora's Domain would look like if you had never been born!" Nabooru said. "Isn't it horrible?"  
Ruto raised a non-existent fishy eyebrow. "Nabooru... it looks like they're in paradise."  
Ruto caught sight of a young male Zora, who was happily stretched out in a chair, dozing. He looked more relaxed than she had ever seen him.   
"Yep... that's Nutball Ned if I ever saw him." Ruto sighed.  
"Who?"  
"Nutball Ned. That guy over there asleep on the lawn chair. He was supposed to be my first husband!" Ruto wailed. "After our first date he was never the same again. Got all jumpy. Got all... freaky and insane and spastic. So they renamed him Nutball Ned. He always was a weird one, that Ned..."   
"He looks pretty happy to me," Nabooru said.  
"Yeah, well now that I don't exist he's probably VERY happy." Ruto snapped.   
Another Zora walked up to Ned, and handed him a newspaper. "Congratulations, Ned!" the Zora said. "You've just won the Hobel Prize for Notable Hylians for finding the cure for Scarlet Scale Syndrome!"  
"Oh?! Why thank you Albert... I'm just glad that I put an end to pain and suffering for Zoras everywhere."  
Ruto heard this and burst into tears.   
"What's the matter?" asked Nabooru.  
"SCARLET SCALE SYNDROME," Ruto shrieked, "IS THE NUMBER-ONE CAUSE OF DEATH IN ZORAS! Your scales get red and itchy and inflamed, and then you choke to death on your own scale mucus-"  
"Ewww, gross!" Nabooru groaned.   
"If I had never existed, Ned wouldn't have gone nuts and he would have cured Scarlet Scale Syndrome!" Ruto shrieked. "AAAGGH!"  
"Now, now..." Nabooru said reassuringly, patting Ruto's big head. "We don't know that the world is better for it... Your father! You're your father's pride and joy! Let's see how he's getting along without you!"   
"OK..." Ruto sniffled.   
  
The throne room was a rather upsetting place for Ruto. A healthy-looking young Zora man was sitting on her father's throne, surrounded by beautiful Zora girls who were feeding him.  
"Yeah baby... I DID win the Annual Zora Reunion Swimming Competition this year..." the Zora dude chuckled. "But please, ladies, my heart belongs to my beautiful wife."  
"WHO IS THAT!?" shrieked Ruto. "AND WHAT IS HE DOING ON MY FATHER'S THRONE!?"   
"I don't know!" Nabooru said, shaking her head. "Kind of weird, isn't it?"   
Ruto ran up near the speaking podium and read the sign next to it.   
"King Zora XII..." she read.  
She snapped her head up and looked at the muscular Zora. Then Ruto looked back at the sign. Back and forth... Back and forth...  
"AAAAAAAAGGGGGH!" Ruto screeched. "THAT IS MY FATHER!"  
"WHAT?" Nabooru gasped, staring at the sign. "It can't be!"   
"IT IS!" Ruto wailed. She raced up beside the guy who would be her father, and examined him carefully.  
"IT IS MY DAD!" Ruto wailed. "LOOK! HE'S EVEN GOT THAT TATTOO OF LORD JABU-JABU ON HIS-"  
"AAGH! Ruto! TMI! TMI! Too Much Info!" Nabooru groaned.   
Ruto flopped down on King Zora's throne and buried her head in her hands. "Look at him! He's young! He's muscular! He's healthy! When I was born he turned into a giant fat blob with an eating disorder!"   
"You don't know that..." Nabooru weakly suggested. But the look on her face wasn't very reassuring.   
Suddenly, Ruto heard a voice that for some reason filled her with loathing and hatred... "Oh Father! Father!"   
"Hey! It's Otur!" King Zora said happily. "Girls, I want you to meet my lovely daughter Otur!"   
A Zora who could have been Ruto's identical twin came skipping merrily into the room, carrying with her a big bouquet of flowers, with a big smile on her face and two sickeningly cute pink bows on her head.   
"Hello, Father!" Otur grinned, cutsying. "I have brought you some flowers! I do hope you will enjoy them!"  
"Oh Otur, of course I will!" King Zora beamed. "See ladies? My daughter is the sweetest, most beautiful girl in the world, Zora or no!"   
"Why thank you ever so much, Father Dear!" Otur giggled, curtsying again.   
Ruto stared, nostrils flaring at the annoyingly cute girl. "WHO IS THAT, NABOORU!?" she snarled.  
"That's your sister... Well, it would have been. I guess when you were born you were such a troublemaker that King Zora never wanted another child. But since you don't exist, your father and mother had what would have been their second child first, and bang! There's Otur."   
"Otur, do show the ladies the trick that you showed me the other day!" King Zora smiled proudly.  
Otur giggled, and began a Shirley Temple-style tap dance, complete with dimples and rosy cheeks. "Animal crackers in my soup! Monkeys and rabbits loop-de-loop!" she sang.   
Then she finished with great flourish and a curtsy, just before pointing to one of her dimples and giggling.  
"AWWWW!" cooed the Zoras.   
Ruto turned red in anger. "I think I'm going to be SICK!"   
"Oh thank you, you are too kind!" Otur giggled.   
"She's so sweet!" one of the Zora women sighed.  
"She's so adorable!" another one added.  
"I wish I had a daughter like that!" a third smiled.  
"I'm just so glad she didn't turn out wild and tomboyish with a big obsession for men and especially certain men with blond hair, blue eyes and green clothes." King Zora grinned. "But remember what Daddy told you, Otur darling?"  
"Hylian Men are like milk! They are sweet at first but because they do not stay cold in water they turn sour!" Otur recited.   
Ruto's eyes flashed with immense hatred for her non-existent sister. "That's disgusting..." she muttered viciously as Otur curtsied again and sang, "Boop-oop-be-doop!"   
"Well Father, I had best be going!" Otur giggled shyly. "I have ever so much homework to do! But I shall do it happily so that I make you proud, Father! Ta-ta!"  
"Ta-ta Otur, darling!" King Zora cooed.   
And with that Otur skipped merrily out of the room while singing "My Favorite Things".   
Ruto stood up, glared at her father angrily and stomped out of the room after Otur, with Nabooru close behind.  
  
"Aw, come on Ruto, it wasn't that bad!" Nabooru pointed out as Ruto stomped angrily after Otur.   
"'HELLO! I'M OTUUUUUUUR!'" Ruto snarled mockingly. "'I HAVE NO BRAIN AND I CANNOT USE CONTRACTIONS AND I AM SO PEEEEERFECT THAT I SHOULD BE BEATEN WITH A STIIIIIICK!'"  
In all her rage, Ruto snatched a stick from where it was resting by the wall, and ran up behind Otur. She raised the stick over her head and smashed it down, cracking it in half over her non-existent sister's head.  
"Ouch!" Otur whimpered. "Oh, that hurt ever so badly! I wonder who could have been ever so rude to have broken that stick over my head?"   
"Oh shove it up your tentacle you royal pain in the neck!" Ruto snarled, pushing Otur off the ledge and onto a rocky island in the water below.  
"AIEEEEE!" Otur squealed.   
"Nabooru, I appreciate this and all..." Ruto snapped, "But I'm feeling more depressed now than I ever did before!"  
"Don't worry, don't worry..." Nabooru said confidently. "This is only Zora's Domain! Maybe things are better here because you don't exist, but for all we know the whole rest of the world is in terrible shape!"  
Nabooru snapped her fingers and the orange light appeared again, whisking them off to another place. "Here. We'll go to Hyrule castle and see how things are there!"  
  
They arrived outside the gates to the castle town within seconds.  
"The field looks pretty much the same..." Ruto mumbled.   
"HEY LOOK!" Nabooru gasped, pointing at the seal over the gate of the castle.   
Instead of the eagle and Triforce crest, it was the crest of a crescent moon and a tiny black star...  
"Oh no!" Nabooru gasped. "Ganondorf! He's taken over Hyrule!"   
"But how?" Ruto cried.  
"The Sages... Ruto, since you don't exist, there is no Sage of Water! The Six Sages aren't Six anymore... and because the Six Sages aren't whole without you, they couldn't stop Ganondorf trying to steal the Triforce!"   
"I AM IMPORTANT!" Ruto wailed happily.  
"Come on now... let's go inside and see what kind of terrible havoc Ganondorf has wreaked upon this world!"   
  
That terrible havoc turned out to be a major expansion of the castle town, which now had grown to be the home of all the Gerudo, as well as a major number of Gorons and Zoras. All were living peacefully and prosperously, and going about their daily business.   
"WHAT!?!" Ruto gasped.  
"NO WAY!" Nabooru gulped. "How... why is it so... clean? And why is everyone so happy?"  
"Oh, we're all so happy!" one old woman commented to a young man near her.  
"Yes! For all that fear of Lord Ganondorf and his Gerudos... and then when they finally take over the world he turns out to be the best ruler we've ever had!"   
"What about the monsters?" shrieked Ruto.  
"And those monsters... not so monstrous at all, are they? They helped us build our cities... fight off invaders... and they protect our homes while we sleep!" another young woman added.  
"Lord Ganondorf is the best king we've ever had!" grinned an old man. "LONG LIVE LORD GANONDORF! LONG LIVE LORD GANONDORF!"  
Ruto stared at Nabooru, who was gazing around at the new castle town unbelievingly.   
"So Nabooru... you mean to tell me... that because I never existed and because the Sages couldn't help Link stop Ganondorf... Hyrule was thrown into a period of prosperity and wealth? AND PEACE?!"  
"Looks that way..."   
Ruto groaned and smacked herself in the head. "I'm not convinced, Nabooru. If I ever felt like getting rid of myself, I do now..."   
"No! Don't say that!" Nabooru shrieked. "Look! Here comes Ganondorf now! Now we can see how he rules this town!"  
Ganondorf came strolling through the square, guarded by two huge Iron Knuckles on each side of him. He had his usual black body armor and wore a long red cape, and carried at his side a huge bag of money.  
"Hello there! Hallo then... how are we all today?" asked Ganondorf to everyone he passed.  
"Wonderful, mi'lord..." each person answered happily.  
Ganondorf walked passed several people with ragged clothes begging for money, and he dropped several golden Rupees into each beggar's cup. "There you are then. Carry on! Have a WONDERFUL day!"  
Ruto stared angrily at Nabooru. Nabooru smacked herself in the head this time.   
"This is incredible..." Nabooru sighed.   
"So what happened to the Sages?" asked Ruto. "Huh? Tell me that!"  
At that second, their questions were answered as Impa came racing down the street dressed in fabulous garments. "Oh Ganondorf! My love!"   
He swept her into his arms. "Impa, my queen! How go you this beautiful day?"  
"I've just been to visit Darunia up on the mountain..."  
Ruto and Nabooru listened intently.  
"How does he like that brand new secret cave with all the big juicy rocks that I gave him?"  
"He loves it, darling. He also says thank you for the great new stadium, rolling ramps, and elevator system."  
"Have you spoken to anyone else lately, my love?"  
"Yes! I spoke with Nabooru, in the desert..."  
Nabooru grinned. "Oh yeah... this'll show you that I would hate the world if you weren't in it."  
"How does she like her brand new giant palace and all the desert land that we gave her for her birthday?"  
"She thanks you, darling. And she says all is forgiven for the incident with your surrogate mothers. In fact, Nabooru wants you to come down and enjoy her private swimming pool and water park anytime you want."  
Nabooru was shocked. "I have my own palace?"   
Ruto scowled at her.   
"Oh, and Saria says the Kokiri are all eternally grateful for all the steel you've given them. It's made it wonderfully useful for them to build bigger houses and methods of producing wood and lumber to make money."   
Ruto let out a cry of despair and burst into tears. "EVERYONE IS HAPPIER BECAUSE I'M DEAD!"  
"Ruto! What about Zelda? She can't be happy about any of this."  
"DADDY!" they heard Zelda squeal.  
She too, raced across the marketplace and gave Ganondorf a big hug.  
"Oh, my beloved adoptive daughter! You look so beautiful today!"  
Ruto scowled.  
"NO! Ruto... LINK! Link! Let's see how he's doing!" Nabooru said quickly. "If everything that was good when you existed has turned even better, everything that's bad must have turned worse! Link's probably miserable!"   
"Whatever you say..." Ruto sighed.  
  
When the pair reappeared in Kokiri Forest, it didn't take long for them to figure out that a few things were... out of place.  
Take, for instance the giant casino that stood in the place of the Kokiri Shop. And the thousands of touristy-dressed people bustling through the brand new streets.   
"What happened here?" Ruto wailed. "The Kokiri Forest's become a giant tourist town!"  
Nabooru scratched her head and looked around, puzzled. "Hmm... That just doesn't make any sense... At all..."   
"Where's Link?" asked Ruto again. "Huh? Where is he? Show me if he's all happy?"   
"Well, I know his house is right... there! There it is!" Nabooru beamed.  
She pointed at Link's nostalgic little tree house abode... which he had recently made a few additions to. Try a 20 story marble mansion with golden plated steps.   
"Wow..." Nabooru murmured. "He certainly has improved the place."  
Ruto raced up the steps to Link's home, going through several imaginary tourists as she did.   
Once inside, she and Nabooru caught the elevator up to the tip-top floor of the high-rise, the suite in which Link lived.  
They stepped inside to find Link, in a brand new Armani tunic, sitting in a huge comfortable chair surrounded by women.   
"Ah..." Link sighed, as one of the women polished his shoes. "This is the life... I own the largest, most popular casino in all of Hyrule OR Termina, and I am the richest man in the history of the world... Next to Lord Ganondorf, of course. I can't believe I EVER stared that wacky crusade to try and stop him!"   
Ruto scowled at Nabooru, who was staring in awe at the many fountains and statues around Link's office.   
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Ruto wailed. "LOOK AT HIM! HE'S THE HAPPIEST GUY IN THE WORLD! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!"   
"Not... necessarily?!" Nabooru tried to reassure her.  
"Oh yeah right, Nab. You heard him! He's almost richer than Ganondorf! WAAAAAA!"   
An alarm clock on Link's desk rang, and all of the girls sighed.  
"Sorry girls... time for my late mid afternoon nap!" Link chuckled.   
The girls all cleared out, cleaning and dusting and polishing everything in sight as they went.   
Ruto walked over to the desk where Link was sitting just in time to hear him muttering to himself.   
"Yeah... the girls are great and everything... But I wish there was someone who just liked me for me. Some girl... maybe of another race? Some slightly pretty, perky, a little bit of a psycho girl who would stalk me and plot to kill my other girlfriends because she likes me so much..."   
Tears filled Ruto's eyes and she whimpered. "Aww... Link... That's so sweet..."  
Nabooru had strolled over to join her. "See, Ruto? What did I tell you?"  
"He really does miss me!" she wailed.   
Suddenly, the mood of the conversation immediately changed when Link shrugged, and said, "Ah, c'est la vie... Not to worry! I'll just buy a girl like that. Hey... I wonder if King Zora's daughter Otur is open tonight..."   
Ruto screamed in rage. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"   
Nabooru was left speechless, and she watched Link pull out his phone book and flipping the pages until he reached the "Z" section of his phone book. "Hey... Zora, my man! Is Otur home?"  
Nabooru quietly sauntered over and put her arm around Ruto's shoulder. "Wow... Ruto... Maybe the world WOULD be a better place if you were gone..."   
Ruto burst into inconsolable sobs. "TAKE ME HOME!" she shrieked. "JUST TAKE ME BACK TO THE REAL HYRULE WHERE I CAN FINISH PACKING AND LEAVE THIS WORLD FOREVER!"  
"RUTO! NOOOO!" Nabooru wailed. "Please! Don't even think about it!"   
Ruto and Nabooru stomped out of Link's office, just as they heard Link saying, "Oh, Otur! You ARE free tonight! That is ever so... Er, I mean, that's great!"  
  
Ruto sobbed all the way out into the forest. Nabooru followed her, still trying to convince her that living WAS worth it.  
"Stop it, Nab... I appreciate you trying to make me feel better and everything, but the second I get home, I'm leaving!"   
"No! No Ruto, please!" Nabooru begged. "Come on! Let's stop and get us some ice cream! That will make you feel better!"   
"HOW?!" Ruto shrieked. "No one can see us or hear us!"  
"I can fix that," said Nabooru. She snapped her fingers, and she and Ruto began to glow orange. Suddenly, several people bumped into them as they walked by.  
"Sorry..." Nabooru said.  
"'S all right," one person replied.  
"See? Now, let's get some ice cream and talk about it!" Nabooru said, skipping over to the "Kokiri Café".   
Ruto followed her, looking miserable.   
Nabooru stepped up to the counter, and placed a handful of Rupees down in front of the salesclerk. "All right... why don't you get me two large ice cream sundaes?"   
"Two large WHAT?" the clerk asked, scratching his head.  
"Whaddya, deaf? I said two large ice cream sundaes."   
"Sundae? You mean like the weekday?"   
"Uh, no... I mean, like ice cream parfaits. Those kind of sundaes. S-U-N-D-A-E."   
The clerk shook his head and crossed his arms. "Hey lady... whaddya trying to pull? 'Sundae' isn't even a word."   
"All right..." Nabooru sighed dejectedly. "Then get us two large ice cream cones."   
"What... what are you talking about?" the clerk asked, looking as if he was going to tear out his hair.   
"What do you mean what am I talking about?" Nabooru shrieked.   
"What do you mean what do I mean what are you talking about?" the clerk yelled. "What's 'ice cream'? There's no such thing as 'ice cream'!"   
Nabooru gasped in horror, and took a step backwards. "WHAT?"   
"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ICE CREAM!?" Ruto shrieked. "NO SUCH THING AS ICE CREAM!?!?"  
Nabooru shakily recovered her money, and shook her head in disbelief. "It can't be... there's no such thing as ice cream? That thick, rich, sweet, cold overall good and tasty treat that you'd have to be lactose intolerant or INSANE not to love?"   
Ruto didn't say anything. But a wide and ecstatic grin slowly spread across her face.   
"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ICE CREAM!" she shrieked happily. "THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ICE CREAM!"   
"WHAT? Why are you happy?" Nabooru cried. "I'VE BEEN DEPRIVED OF MY FAVORITE FOOD!"  
"Nabooru! Don't you get it!?" Ruto squealed. "There's no such thing as ice cream! I do not exist! Somehow, I am connected to the invention of ice cream in Hyrule! If it weren't for me... THERE'D BE NO SUCH THING AS ICE CREAM!"   
"You're joking! What kind of stupid connection is that?" Nabooru yelled.  
"I DON'T KNOW! BUT IT'S AN IMPORTANT CONNECTION! I AM THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR BRINGING ICE CREAM TO HYRULE... somehow. BUT STILL!" Ruto shrieked. "I AM IMPORTANT! IT IS WORTH IT TO LIVE IN HYRULE!"   
"YAAAY!" Nabooru cheered, and the two hugged and jumped up and down like a couple of teenagers who had just been asked to the prom.   
Suddenly, Nabooru checked her watch. "Holy crap! Look at the time! It's almost 8:30! We're late for Zelda's party!"   
"I'M NOT DRESSED FOR LINKY-POO!" Ruto squealed. "QUICK NABOORU! TAKE US BACK! I HAVE TO GET DRESSED!"  
  
And with a snap of her fingers, Ruto and Nabooru were back in Zora's Domain, where Ruto donned a lovely party dress (modified to fit her fins), and her three parkas, mittens, fin-warmers and stocking hat.   
And to make a long story short, a couple minutes later, they were at the front door of the castle.   
"Ruto! Nabooru! HIII!" Impa cooed, with her arms around Ganondorf's neck. "Merry Christmas!"   
"Merry Christmas!" Nabooru said, patting Impa on the shoulder. She eyed Ganondorf much the same that someone would eye a bug. "What... what's the matter with..."   
"Don't ask... Zelda muttered grumpily from behind Impa.   
"Merry Christmas Zelda!" Ruto cried happily.   
"And WHAT took YOU TWO so long?" Zelda snapped. "I've been so worried!" "Oh... nothing..." Ruto said, smiling at Nabooru.   
"Please Ruto, can I... take your coat?" asked Ganondorf, whose arms were around Impa still.   
"I'd rather you didn't..." Ruto said. "Not until I get to the fireplace. I'll be a fishsicle by then."   
She walked up to the stairs that lead to the party room, and shrieked, "THROW AN EXTRA LOG ON THE FIRE, LINKY-POO! RUTO'S COMIN' UP!"  
"Oh CRAP!" she heard Link curse from upstairs. "QUICK HARRY! LEND ME YOUR INVISIBILITY CLOAK!"  
  
Ten minutes later, Ruto and Nabooru were settled down on the sofa in front of the fire. Ruto had put four extra logs on the fire and it was now a blazing 90 degrees in the party room, and everyone was sweating. But on the bright side, Ruto had finally removed her parkas and winter wear to show off her splendid blue party dress.   
"By the way, Nabooru..." Ruto murmured.   
"Yes?" asked Nabooru. "You don't have to thank me for saving your life."  
"That's not it."   
"Oh, THAT. I don't need a present, Ruto... Your friendship is enough."   
"That's not it either."  
"Oh? Then what is it?"  
"I was never planning to kill myself, Nabooru." Ruto said quietly.  
"What? But what about all that talk about going somewhere Link could never hurt you again? What about going to a place where it was never cold and about leaving Hyrule forever?"   
"I was planning on moving to Maui." Ruto said, eyeing Nabooru.   
"MAUI? As in Hawaii?" Nabooru gasped.  
"Of course. Lots of water, lots of sunshine, and no Link." Ruto replied simply. "You just wasted a lot of time. But you've convinced me to stay in Hyrule, congrats."  
Nabooru stared at Ruto blankly. Ruto giggled, and turned her attention to Link, who was standing across the room as far as possible from Ruto, pointing both Malfoy AND Harry's little plastic wands at her and screaming, "STAY BACK! STAY BACK OR I'LL FURNUCULUS CURSE YOU!"  
Malon was pouting and drinking lots of egg nog over in another corner. Zelda was checking to make sure that no hairs had fallen in the cold cut tray. Ganondorf and Impa were making out again, and Darunia and LL were under the tree, shaking the presents and trying to guess what they were.   
"I wasted all that magic for nothing?" Nabooru said weakly.  
"Well... I wouldn't say that..." Ruto giggled, eating a big spoonful of Ben and Jerry's Festivus ice cream.   
  
~~THE END~~ 


	7. Rauru's Christmas Carol -and- Link's Chr...

RAURU'S CHRISTMAS CAROL   
  
(A/N: Hey man, back in the 1700s there were 12 DAYS of Christmas that only start on Christmas Eve! I technically still have time to finish these, ya know.)   
  
As the seconds passed, the light became brighter and brighter, and soon Rauru had to shade his eyes.  
"AAAAAAAGGGH! I DON'T WANNA DIEEEEE!" screeched the elderly Sage of Light.   
There was a high pitched but beautiful noise, like angels singing, and suddenly, the light completely faded.   
A ghostly voice spoke. "Hey... are you Rauru?"   
Rauru peered over the couch worriedly. There, in front of him stood the ghost of a little girl, who couldn't have been more than 11. She had bouncy blonde locks, and she was decked out in a cute little party dress, but didn't seem to have legs. Her cranberry colored dress ended in a wispy wave of ghostly... stuff.   
"AAAGGGGHHHH!" shrieked Rauru.   
"Ow, ow, ow!" the spirit whined, covering her ears. "STOP SCREAMING!"   
Rauru immediately shut up.   
"Are... are you the spirit whose coming was foretold to me?" he stammered worriedly.   
"I am," the girl replied.   
"But you're just a little girl!" Rauru wailed. "You must be that brat from next door playing a trick on me!"   
The girl gasped in surprise, and then burst into tears. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB IT IN THAT I WAS ONLY 11 WHEN I DIIIIIED!" she shrieked angrily.   
"OK, OK, OK..." Rauru said quickly, when he noticed that the girl's screams were breaking his fine china, piece by piece. "I'm sorry! So you're not that little brat from next door..."   
"No, Mr. Skeptic! I am NOT the little brat from next door!" screamed the girl. "I'm the Ghost of Christmases That Have Already Happened!"   
"D-don't you mean... Christmas PAST?" suggested Rauru.   
"NO, CHRISTMASES THAT HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED! 'Past' is already taken!" whined the girl. "But you can call me Susie."   
"Well, hi Susie..." snapped Rauru sarcastically. "I appreciate your breaking into a lonely old man's house when all he wants is some peace and quiet! Want some ham?"  
Susie's eyes watered up and she burst out crying. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO INSENSITIVE? OFFERING ME HAM WHEN I COULDN'T... I HAVEN'T EATEN IN OVER 150 YEARS!"   
"All right, all right... sorry!" Rauru whined. "Now get out!"   
"I can't," Susie answered simply.   
"And why not? Can't you just disappear?"   
"No. I have a reason for being here." Susie said snootily.   
"And what reason is that?" Rauru growled.   
"Your welfare, you selfish old coot." Susie snapped. "Christmas is the time for sharing! Christmas is the time for caring! If you believe in Christmas things, you'll know the joy that Christmas brings!"   
"Nice speech. Didn't I hear that on the holiday episode of Becker?" Rauru snapped.   
"I... uh... SHUT UP!" Susie yelled. "You think you'd be a little nicer to the ghost of the girl who's only here to save you from an eternity of fiery torment in the dark reaches of the underworld!"   
Rauru looked at her in disbelief. "Wha!?"  
"You heard me," Susie said. "The Man Upstairs doesn't like the way you've been acting about Christmas and towards other people. So my colleagues and I are here to convince you to change your ways before you die and spend the rest of your miserable existence in heck!"   
Rauru gasped, "I'm going to He-"  
Susie leaped up and covered his mouth with her hand. "SHHHH!" she snapped. "This is rated PG!"   
"Let go of me!" Rauru growled. "I'm going to... there just because I hate Christmas?!"   
"That's riiight." giggled Susie.  
"But I have a good reason to hate it!" Rauru snapped.   
"So you say." Susie grinned. "We'll see, shall we? I'm going to show you several... OK, two or three Christmases in your past so you can see the error of your ways."   
Susie skipped (er... floated) over to the window and kicked it open. "Come on, old guy."  
"But... ghost-thingy!" Rauru yelled. "I'm not finished with my ham! And It's A Wonderful Life is on in 10 minutes! And I'm old and tired!"  
"Come, ON!" the girl screamed, grabbing Rauru by the arm and dragging him over to the window.   
"DID I MENTION I WEIGH 300 POUNDS?!" Rauru shrieked as Susie prepared to push him.   
"YOU ARE SUCH AN INSENSITIVE JERK!" Susie shrieked. "AND I WEIGH NOTHING! YOU BIG MEANY!"  
And with that, Susie pushed with all her might, and Rauru went tumbling down, down, out the 6th story window in the Temple of Light where he lived, and fell screaming into a bright white warphole.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-  
  
........... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-WHAM!"  
  
Rauru landed face-first on the hardwood floor of a nice upper-class suburbia Hylian house.   
"MY... HIP!" he gasped.   
Susie floated down gently to join him. "Here we are!" she grinned. "This is it! This is the Christmas when you were 12!"  
Rauru stood up slowly, and looked around. He was in his childhood living room. He was at once hit with a million sights and sounds and smells and hopes and dreams that he hadn't felt since he was 12.   
"This... this is my living room!" Rauru gasped. "And look! There, on the couch! It's my mom! And my dad! And crazy Uncle Albert! Hi! Hi Mom, hi Dad! And in the kitchen! My cousin Hans! And... It's my Nana! NANA! HI NANA! GIVE ME A HUG!"  
"Hey, old guy!" Susie said impatiently, grabbing Rauru's waving hand out of the air. "These are only visions of things that have been. The people here are only memories. They can't hear you, they can't see you, and they especially can't hug you."  
"Oh," Rauru said, a touch of disappointment in his voice. "But wait- Who's that kid over there by the fireplace?"  
He walked up to the boy, who was wearing yellow and maroon robes and had a head full of bright white hair.   
"That's you, stupid." Susie laughed.   
And so it was. Rauru was seeing himself as a 12-year-old!   
"I know why I'm so sad." Rauru sighed. "I wanted that baseball bat. I wanted it so badly..."  
"And you got it." Susie said.   
But then I fell down the stairs and broke it, and it splintered up my hands real bad." Rauru growled. "Stupid thing!"   
"Rauru, sweetie! Come in for dinner!" called a voice from the kitchen.   
"Here you go, son..." said Rauru's Dad, handing his son a brightly wrapped, long package.  
"NOOO! OPEN IT NOW! DON'T TAKE IT TO DINNER!" Rauru screamed into the ear of his 12-year-old self.   
"Uh... old guy?" asked Susie, poking him.  
"What?"  
"HE CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Susie shrieked.   
"Oh yeah..."  
12-year-old Rauru sat down at the table, and served himself a heaping plate of food. Rauru and Susie listened as Rauru's Dad droned on and on about some boring subject.  
  
Suddenly, Rauru's Dad accidentally knocked Uncle Albert's elbow into the butter.  
"I'm so sorry, Uncle Albert. Well anyway, Admiral Halsley notified me he had to have a berth or he couldn't get to sea..."  
"Could I have some more peas, please?" asked Rauru's mother.   
"Certainly..." replied Rauru's cousin Hans. "Where... where are they?"  
Rauru's Dad pointed at a pitcher of water on the table directly next to the peas. "Hans, across the water."  
"Water?" asked Hans.  
"Hans, across the pie," Rauru's mother explained.  
  
And as Paul McCartney fans across the internet read that horrible joke in the last paragraph and rolled their eyes, Rauru had to re-watch the whole horrible accident, wincing as he heard himself hit the bottom of the stairs.  
"WHY? WHYYYY DID I HAVE TO FALL!?" Rauru screamed to the sky. "WHYYYYYYYY!?"  
He watched painfully as his mother and father raced to the bottom of the stairs and tried to help their son up, pulling hundreds of thumbtacks out of his butt while they did.  
"And I never used my hands again..." Rauru wailed. "THERE, LITTLE MISS GHOSTY! IS THAT ENOUGH REASON FOR YOU?!"  
"They had a good reason for not pulling your splinters out." Susie said. "It might have hurt you even more!"  
"Pssht." Rauru snorted. "Well this only shows me that I DO have a right to be angry."  
"But remember Rauru, there was another Christmas that was happy!" Susie said, grinning.  
"The one where I met..." Rauru gasped.  
But before he could finish, they were off.  
  
Rauru landed on his face in the middle of a great crowd of people, two-stepping and dancing.   
"Hmmph. Stupid idiots... partying like that..." Rauru snapped.  
"Hey look, there you are!" Susie grinned, pointing to an 18-year old Rauru, hands tucked into his robes, standing alone.  
Rauru stared at the unhappy-looking younger version of himself.  
"Look, there's Dampé!" Susie said, pointing to Rauru's old crippled friend, dancing around in circles with the first shovel he had ever received, a Christmas gift. "And up there- The Royal Composer Brothers!"   
Two very young versions of Sharp and Flat were providing the music. In fact, everyone there was someone that Rauru had known when he was very young.   
"Look- There's my old boss!" Rauru said, pointing out a young man (a young version of the astronomer from Majora's Mask) dancing with a lovely young woman.  
Rauru gasped when he saw the woman. "It's... It's..."  
Rauru's boss (the astronomer) lead the woman over to where Rauru was standing. "Hello there, Rauru! Wonderful party, is it not?"  
"No," snapped young Rauru. "Do you know how many Rupees this is gonna cost us, sir?"  
"Oh, come on, Rauru!" laughed his boss. "Oh, here. I'm so rude! This lovely young lady is Agnes Granny... she works in the potions department of the store. Agnes, this is Rauru, my personal assistant."  
Agnes stepped forward and curtsied to young Rauru. The mad look melted right off his face.  
"Agnes..." Rauru wailed to Susie. "She was a brilliant young woman. Wonderful at making potions... In fact, she... has her own store, now... in Kakariko..."  
Young Rauru (hands still tucked into his robes) and Agnes set out dancing on the floor, and Rauru sighed sadly.  
"There was another Christmas with her, wasn't there?" asked Susie innocently.  
"Oh no! Please! Don't show me that Christmas!" Rauru begged. "Please!"   
"Sorry, rules are rules." Susie shrugged. The scene faded into blackness.  
  
Seconds later, Rauru and Susie were standing and floating in a beautiful snow-covered meadow. A young couple sat on a nearly fallen log, talking quietly.  
"I SAID NOT TO SHOW ME THIS ONE!" Rauru wailed. "PLEASE! TAKE ME OUT OF HERE!"  
"Rauru, you promised that we would get married this year!" Agnes whined, twirling her hair.  
"I know darling, but there's just so much for me to do..." 20-year-old Rauru mumbled. "What with the store and all... I'm responsible for all the store accounts, and if I don't do my job, who will?"  
"But Rauru," Agnes interrupted. "We have enough money! We can get married and buy a house and you could still work in the store!"  
"But how will we afford a store for you and your potions?" asked Rauru again. "We need more money. We can get married next year!"  
"That's what you said last year! And the year before!" Agnes wailed. "I'm starting to think you don't want to get married at all!"   
"Agnes, of course I do!" Rauru assured her. "But we need more money now..."  
"Hold my hand, then..." Agnes snapped leaping to her feet. "If you still want to get married, then hold my hand like you've never done."   
Young Rauru turned totally red. "I... I..."  
"Come on, Rauru! If you love me you won't mind holding my hand!"  
"But Agnes..." Rauru wailed. "My hands... they..."  
"I knew it..." said Agnes sadly. She picked up her stuff from next to Rauru and turned to him angrily. "You and your money! That's all you care about! You don't really love me anymore... it's all about Rauru and his career!"   
"No, Agnes, I..." Rauru said shakily. "It's my hands! Christmas... a few years ago, and I... had an accident, and..."  
"That may be," Agnes said. "But it's true- All you care about is your money. If you really loved me half as much as that stupid money, we'd already be married!"  
"We can't afford to get married!" Rauru wailed. Then his expression turned. "Fine, you selfish little ditz. If you want to get married so bad without any money to do it... You can... get married to someone else!"  
"NO, YOU IDIOT!" Rauru screamed at his past self. "GO AFTER HER! DON'T LET HER GET AWAY!"  
Agnes let out a cry and stomped toward the edge of the clearing. "You're heartless, Rauru!"  
"GO AFTER HER YOU FOOL! YOU'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!" Rauru shrieked at his other self.   
But Rauru's other self just sat on the log like the cranky little jerk he was, and snorted. "Ditz."   
There was a whizzing noise, and young Rauru was suddenly knocked off the log onto his butt in the snow. It was Agnes' engagement ring leaving an imprint in his head.  
"YOU IDIOT!" Rauru screamed angrily. "YOU'VE JUST LOST THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE YOU FOOL!"  
Susie stood by silently, smirking. "See what hating Christmas will get you?"  
"THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS!" Rauru screamed at Susie. "IT HAD TO DO WITH MY BEING A SELFISH LITTLE PIG AND NOT MARRYING AGNES UNTIL I WAS RICH, WHICH WOULD NEVER END UP HAPPENING!"  
"Why didn't you catch up with her later, if that's how you felt?" Susie shot back.  
"BECAUSE ONE WEEK LATER I-" Rauru took it down a notch. "One week later I awakened as the Sage of Light... and since the Light Temple was in the Sacred Realm AND where the Triforce was... I could never leave it again."  
"Oh. So you never saw her again."  
"Only in DREAMS!" Rauru wailed, bursting into tears. "WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND SHOW ME THIS, STUPID? THIS CHRISTMAS WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE, AND YOU MAKE ME RELIVE IT? WHY?"  
"Because you were mean," Susie said simply. "No, because I had to."  
Rauru picked up a snowball off the ground and threw it at Susie as hard as he could. It went right through her.  
"Stop it!" Susie yelled.  
"Why, you can't feel it." Rauru said glumly.  
"OH, OK, LET'S JUST ALL THROW STUFF AT SUSIE BECAUSE SHE CAN'T FEEL IT, YOU INSENSITIVE SLOB!" Susie shrieked. "You've seen all you have to see anyway! Time for the next spirit! I hope you'll be nicer to that one, you creep!"   
Susie snapped her fingers and Rauru landed with a crash on his living room floor again.  
  
"Ow..." muttered the Sage of Light, who could still almost feel the cold of the snowy meadow.   
There was suddenly another bright flash of light, but Rauru was face-down on the floor this time, so he didn't see much of it.   
And when the light faded, Rauru sat up and found himself staring at a pair of enormous black boots.   
He looked up and saw the biggest man he had ever seen. He had a shaggy black beard that covered most of his face, and both of his arms were each thicker than Rauru's neck. He was completely bald, though, and one of his eyes was squinty. He was wearing a not-so-festive leather vest that barely covered his hairy chest and a pair of black leather pants.  
The huge man grunted, and lifted Rauru up by his robe collar. Rauru then noticed that the man looked suspiciously like the man who ran the Bazaar in Hyrule Castle Town Market.  
"Who are you?" Rauru yelled. "What are you doing in my house?" (He wasn't too happy with his last experience with these strange spirits.)  
"Hello, little man!" said the big man in a deep voice, with an Austrian accent. "I am the Ghost of Christmas Presents."  
"You mean Present?" asked Rauru crankily.  
"No, I mean Presents. Present was taken, so I get the plural. But you can just call me Sully."   
"Um, hi Sully..." Rauru said. "NOW LET ME DOWN!"  
"I can't," shrugged Sully. "I have to show you what's going on this Christmas."   
"WHY!?" yelled Rauru, "I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!"   
"Because if I don't you're going to... H-E-Double Hockey Sticks."   
Rauru rolled his eyes. "You mean He-"  
"SSSHHHH!" hissed Sully, clapping his hand over Rauru's entire face. "This is rated PG! Now let's get going, I'm expected at the gym in ten minutes..."  
  
They disappeared in a puff of smoke, and reappeared in what Rauru recognized to be the bottom floor of Hyrule Castle.   
"What's going on here?" asked Rauru. "Is that snobby little brat Zelda having another lame holiday party?"   
"We'll see," said Sully, carrying Rauru up the stairs, still by his collar.  
Rauru watched, sickeningly at the goings-on of the party.   
Link was in the corner, still playing with his Harry Potter action figure and using his Malfoy figure to try and keep Ruto away. She was more convinced than ever that he would accept her to marry him.   
Nabooru was sitting on the couch, devouring pint after pint of Festivus Ice Cream and trying to ignore the other couple on the couch, Ganondorf and Impa, who were making like mistletoe again.   
Darunia and LL had hit the snack table, and hard. Almost every last piece of the stone table was gone, and the food plates lay all over the floor.  
Malon seemed to be in a good mood again, and she was sitting by the fire, watching the other guests.   
Zelda came racing in, blowing a foghorn to shut everyone up. "HEY EVERYONE!" she screamed, "IT'S TIME TO SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS!"  
"AWWWWWWW..." whined the other guests.  
"Do we have to?" asked Ganondorf, pouting.  
"Hey bub, you're lucky to be here as it is!" Zelda snapped. "We're singing, and that's the last word! OK, does everyone know Joy To The World?"   
"Yes..." grumbled everyone else.  
"OK then... 1... 2... 1, 2, 3!"  
And then the room erupted in a terrible, horrible burst of sound. Zelda was singing as loudly as she could. Ruto and Malon didn't seem to know the words, they were humming nervously. Link was making his action figures sing, and Darunia and LL were screeching like cats in great pain. Nabooru was holding her ears, Impa was shaking her head sadly, and Ganondorf was singing a DIFFERENT version of the song, the one where you barbecue your teacher and flush the body down the potty.  
Rauru held his ears, and even Sully had to wince at the noise.   
"Oh wow, I am like, missing so much Christmassy fun," whined Rauru. "Hey wait- Where's Saria?"   
"Who?" asked Sully.  
"Saria- Little green-haired twerp." Rauru said. "She was supposed to come too..."  
That's when Rauru heard a moan of pain from the kitchen stairs. He looked down, and saw poor Saria, sprawled out from where Malon had pushed her, and desperately reaching for a broomstick by the wall to use as a crutch.   
"Who did that?" Rauru screamed angrily at the crowd.  
"They can't hear you, stupid little man." Sully chuckled.   
"Why did they push her? That's the same thing that happened to me when I was 12!" Rauru snapped. "Can't we help her?"  
"Nope, sorry." Sully shrugged. "Well then, there's much more to see, let's go..."  
"No!" Rauru yelled, showing the first remorse and caring for another person that he had shown that day. "Tell me, Spirit..."  
"Sully," Sully corrected.  
"Fine, tell me, Sully. Will Saria die down there?"   
Sully raised an eyebrow on his big bald head. "Uh... I really don't think so."   
"Can't you see anything in the future?" Rauru cried.  
"Um, no." Sully said sheepishly.   
"Take me back home, right now!" Rauru yelled. "I have to come to the castle and rescue the poor thing! I don't want her turning out like me, old and cranky and Christmas-hating!"  
"Aw, how sweet." Sully sighed. "But don't you think that someone HERE will find her?"  
"They're too busy screeching," Rauru said, rolling his eyes as Ganondorf began his own rendition of Jingle Bells. ("Jingle Bells, Zelda smells, Linky laid an egg...)  
"Fine, fine... But you know, if I take you home you'll have to meet the next Spirit before you can come here."   
"I don't care! Let's go!" Rauru yelled triumphantly.  
  
Rauru landed on his couch, snapping it in half, and Sully vanished into thin air.   
"NEXT SPIRIIIIT!" he screamed into the air. "COME OUT, COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE! HURRY UP!"  
There was another blinding light, and a shadowy figure walked up behind Rauru. Rauru didn't see him until..."  
"Good eeeeeeveniiiiing..." the figure chuckled in a Boris Karloff Dracula-style voice.   
"AAAAAAAGGGH!" shrieked Rauru.   
He spun around and saw the third spirit, who was none other than the crazy Poe shop dealer. (Or, at least he looked like him)  
"Hellooooooo..." snickered the Poe shop guy. "I am the Ghost of Christmases That Haven't Happened Yet..."  
"I'm not even going to ask about the future thing," Rauru sighed, shaking his head.  
"Goooooood..." laughed Poe Guy. "Come along then... we have... not that much to see, but still... stuuuuff... Heh heh heh heh heeeeeh..."  
The Poe Guy snapped his thin fingers and Rauru and him disappeared...  
  
... Only to reappear in the back alleys of Hyrule Castle Town, where a meeting was taking place between the Termanian Curiosity shop guy, the pooch lady, Bombchu shop guy and shooting gallery man.   
"Well then, well then..." chuckled Curiosity shop guy. "What have ya got for old Charlie, eh? What did you find on our little expedition..."  
"I got his curtains!" snickered the pooch lady. "Dreadful ratty old things they are..."  
Charlie took the curtains from her and examined them carefully. "Well that'll be 30 Rupees there..."  
He handed Pooch Lady her money, and then shooting gallery man stepped up. "I've got his blankie. Someone told me it was his baby blankie, and he couldn't sleep without it..."   
He handed Charlie the blanket, and he handed him a 50 Rupee piece in return.  
"Hey Spirit, those aren't my curtains or my blanket..." Rauru whispered.  
"Who said they were suppossssssed to be?" asked Poe Guy.  
"Um, isn't the point of your visit to show me that I'm gonna die if I keep being mean to people and that no one will care?"  
"Maaaaaybe, maybe not..." chuckled Poe Guy.   
Then Bombchu guy stepped up. "I've got something that'll knock your socks off! Check this out!"  
He held up a pair of small silver hoop earrings.   
"WOW! ARE THOSE... THE EARRINGS THAT HE ALWAYS WORE?" gasped shooting gallery man.  
"They are!" Bombchu guy snickered. "I took them right off his ears!"  
"Ewww..." Rauru groaned. "Hey... I don't have earrings!"  
"Quiet, you!" threatened Poe Guy.   
"These are wonderful! They look so sexy on me!" chuckled Charlie, trying on the earrings. He handed over 200 Rupees to Bombchu shop guy, and all three of them laughed maliciously.  
"SPIRIT!" shrieked Rauru. "THOSE ARE... THOSE ARE LINK'S EARRINGS AND CURTAINS AND BLANKET!"   
"No, ya think?" chuckled Poe Guy.  
"Link! He's DEAD?!" gasped Rauru. "How could he be dead? He's so young!" Suddenly, footsteps were heard running into the alley. The four people stopped laughing and listened quietly.   
"HEY! I KNOW YOU'RE BACK THERE!" screamed someone.  
All four of them shrieked and tried to run, but Link raced out from behind the alley and tackled Charlie.   
"HEY!" Link snapped, "Those are my things!" He tore the blankets and the curtains out of Charlie's grip and then ripped away the earrings. "What's the big idea, hmm? Stealing my crap and selling it?"   
"I'M SORRY, SIR!" Charlie squealed. "I'll never do it again!"  
Rauru stared at Poe Guy, raising his eyebrows. "He's... not dead."  
"Nope." Poe Guy chuckled.  
"Then... why in the HECK did you show me this?" Rauru demanded.  
"I don't know." Poe Guy giggled.  
"You're an idiot." Rauru sighed, rolling his eyes.  
"Oh yeah, I remember now... I was supposed to show you... THIS!" Poe Guy yelled, snapping his fingers.  
  
They reappeared in Kokiri Forest, where the Kokiri kids were all sitting around their Christmas pole, celebrating.  
Except for one notable Kokiri who seemed to be missing.   
"Where's Saria?" asked Rauru, scratching his head. "Is she at Zelda's party?"   
"Nope," Poe Guy grinned. Well, considering he has no mouth, he didn't really grin, he kind of... Ah, you know.  
"Then where is she?" Rauru demanded. "As much as I hate the little twerp, I hope she's all right."  
The Poe Guy extended a long, nasty finger at a small hut nearby.  
"That's Saria's house!" Rauru said, running inside.  
Inside, he saw a rocking chair sitting by a dim fireplace. Someone was sitting in the chair.   
"Ah, POOEY!" snapped an old and senile voice.  
"Who is that?" asked Rauru.  
"Geh heh heh..." snickered Poe Guy.   
Rauru walked around the chair, and was shocked to see none other than Saria sitting in the chair, dressed as an old lady.   
She was of course, still a child. But she was dressed in orthopedic stockings and knit shawls and a little hair net thingy.  
"Stupid kids..." she snarled. "Making such a racket over such a stupid thing as Christmas... BAAH! Well I HATE Christmas!"  
"Oh Spirit, no!" Rauru wailed. "What happened to her?"  
"Geh heh heh..." chuckled Poe Guy, pointing at Saria again.  
Rauru took a closer look and saw that her hands were bandaged up.  
"OH NO! NOT THE STAIRS!" he wailed. "All because she fell down the stairs this Christmas, Saria turned out like me!"  
He scratched his chin. "Not that there's anything WRONG with that, but... Grr!"  
"It gets woooooorse." Poe Guy giggled, snapping his fingers again.   
  
They reappeared in what looked like a nursing home. All of Hyrule's senior citizens were hanging around a large Christmas tree, singing the song from "How The Grinch Stole Christmas".   
"What's this?" asked Rauru.  
Poe Guy snickered and pointed to a big, burly looking nurse walking down the hall holding a hypodermic needle as big as a broomstick.   
"Follow her?" asked Rauru. Poe Guy nodded.  
So, Rauru followed the nurse down several corridors to the only shut door in the whole place.   
"It's time for ya medicine, Mista R." croaked the nurse.   
Rauru heard a hideous, evil laugh from inside the room, and he slipped past the nurse, where a horrible sight met his eyes.  
There, in the room, taking up an entire couch's worth of space, was Rauru! Much older... He looked about 200 years old. He had a wild out of control beard, and he had gotten SO... FAT that big, flabby, wrinkly bags of saggy, cottage cheesy, cellulite covered skin were hanging out of ripped seams on every inch of his robes...  
  
(The author takes a break to go wash out her eyes and vomit.)   
  
"AWWW! EWWWWW!" groans Rauru, covering his eyes. "AWWW, SICK! That can't be me!"  
"Gehhhh..." snarled the Poe Guy. "Eww..."  
"HAR HAR HAR!" laughed ancient, obese Rauru. "EH? WHADDAT YA SAY?"   
"I said it's time for your medicine, you nasty old bag."   
"HAR HAR!" laughed ancient obese Rauru. "HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR! I needs no medicine! All I needs is a good big beefsteak!"  
"That's the last thing you need... You weigh three metric tons!" the nurse growled, sticking Rauru with the giant needle and causing his... how should I put this... BLUBBER to jiggle like a giant bowl of disgusting, moldy Jello.  
  
(Author takes a break to gag and take a few Pepto Bismols)  
  
"HAR HAR!" snickered ancient evil Rauru. "IN MY DAY NURSES WOULD SHUT UP WHEN THEY HAD TO STICK MEDICINE IN YOUR- [expletive, expletive, expletive, description so graphic they wouldn't even show it on Cinemax]."  
The nurse sighed, turned around, and stomped out of the room yelling, "ALL RIGHT BETTY! I TOOK MY TURN! YOU GET TO GIVE HIM HIS MEDICINE NEXT TIME!"  
"How!?" Rauru wailed. "How did I turn into such a big, disgusting, rude, annoying, and all-around... NASTY old man?"  
"Too much TV, not enough talking, I suspeeeeeeect," the Poe Guy growled, snickering.   
"NOOO!" Rauru shrieked, staring at the massive, chunky, jiggling old coot in the corner. "I swear! I can change! I'd LOVE to change! I'll go to every Christmas party anyone will ever hold if I don't turn out like that!"  
"Geh heh..." Poe Guy snickered.  
"Spirit! Please! Are these the shadows of things that WILL be, or can they be altered? You wouldn't have showed me if I was a hopeless case!" Rauru pleaded.  
The Poe Guy finally had nothing to say (as, by example of other version of the Christmas story, he probably never should have had anything to say...). He merely snickered, pointed at the door to ancient, fat Rauru's room as another burly nurse came striding in, holding a giant toilet brush.  
"Mista R, it's time for your sponge bath!"   
  
(Author runs to nearest church screaming, races inside, tells nearest priest what she just wrote. Priest grabs emergency bottle of Holy Water, sprays it in her eyes. She thanks priest, races back home, and finishes story.)  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shrieked Rauru. Suddenly, the floor beneath him seemed to open up, and he fell down, Down, DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN... all the way to-  
  
BANG!  
"OOF!" Rauru grunted as he hit the tiled floor of his kitchen. "My... HIP!"   
Shuddering, he stood up, and looked around.  
"I'm... I'm home!" Rauru screamed happily. "I'm home! In my own kitchen! And it's..." He looked at the nearest clock. "It's only 8:30! I can still make it to Zelda's party!"  
Rauru immediately leaped to his feet, opened the fridge, and pulled out every single piece of junk food in the place, dousing it in gasoline and burning it on his patio. He yanked out a few bags of baby carrots and a big piece of celery, threw it in his mouth, and raced to his closet to get dressed.  
  
  
LINK'S CHRISTMAS PARTY BLUES  
  
  
"Ganondorf, for the LAST TIME! SING THE RIGHT WORDS TO THE SONGS!" shrieked Zelda, as the King of Thieves finished his own variation on "We Three Kings".   
"OK, OK, so-rry, Miss Christmas Cop!" Ganondorf spat, while Impa frowned at Zelda.  
"Zelda, he doesn't know the right words!" she said. "Let him sing what he wants!"  
"But Impaaaaa..." Zelda whined. "He's ruining everything!"  
"I am not!" Ganondorf said, pouting. "Gimme another chance! Sing one I know this time!"   
"Like what?" asked Zelda.  
"Do... 'Winter Wonderland'." Ganondorf said, nodding. "Yeah, that one. I know that one good."  
"Hmmm..." Zelda said. "Link, is that one all right with you?"  
From the corner he was sitting in, Link groaned. He wished Zelda would stop running everything by him first... it was getting annoying.   
"Uh, yeah, fine, Zel..." he sighed.   
The novelty of playing duel with Malfoy and Harry had finally worn off, and the two action figures were now sitting in Link's pocket. He was a bit disappointed though, that he had already opened his Secret Santa present and now had nothing to look forward to when everyone else opened theirs.   
At least Malon was speaking to him again. She seemed to be staring at him with the same look that Zelda and Ruto always gave him...  
Aw man, not another one... he had thought.  
Zelda sat down at the piano and opened the book to "Winter Wonderland". "OK, who wants to solo at the beginning?" she asked.  
Everyone sunk down into their chairs, except Ganondorf and Impa. Impa waved her hand excitedly.  
"OOH! Let me do it, Zelda! And Ganondorf can start on the main melody! He can! He's a good singer!"  
Zelda sighed. "OK, fine. Impa, get up here. And bring your boyfriend, too."  
Ganondorf grinned excitedly and jumped up next to the piano with Impa.   
Zelda began to play and Impa started the song.  
"Over the ground lies a mantle of white! A heaven of diamonds shine down through the night! Two hearts are thrillin' in spite of the chill in the weather! Love knows no season, love knows no clime, romance can blossom at any old time! Out in the open, we're walkin' and hopin' together!"   
Then she turned to Ganondorf, smiling.   
Zelda turned to him as she continued to play, scowling. "Don't mess it up or I'll..." she mouthed to him.  
Ganondorf grinned, and produced a microphone by magic. "THERE IT STANDS!" he belted out. "THE CASINO! Mom's inside! Playing Keno! Day after days! She sits and she plays! Every week she drops another grand!"  
"GANONDOOORF!" Zelda shrieked, slamming her fist on the keyboard.  
"See my dad! Roll the ice there! With his luck! Cold as ice there! He doubles his bets as well as his debts! Every week he drops another grand!"  
Impa, Nabooru, Malon, Ruto, Darunia and LL burst out laughing. Link snickered and rolled his eyes. Zelda was screeching in fury.  
Ganondorf began a spiffy little dance routine at this part.  
"Yesterday they repossessed our Taurus! Now Dad's cashing out his IRA! Things are even worse for Cousin Horace! Beaten up by bookies he can't PAAAAAY!"  
Zelda sighed and sank into the piano stool, scowling.   
"Christmas Eve... there's no tree there! The folks are gone... There's just me there! They're trying once more to make a big score. You can BET that they'll DROP another GRAND! EV-RY WEEK THEY DROP A-NO-THER GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!"  
Ganondorf took a bow, and everyone (but Zelda) burst out laughing.   
"YOU... YOU'RE SO... YOU JUST..." Zelda stuttered. "UUGH! YOU SUCK, GANONDORF!"   
"Thank you," he grinned, making the microphone disappear and sitting down on the couch next to Impa. "I am so good..." he grinned.  
Impa laughed, but when she saw Zelda's peeved face, she stood up. "Well, now that we're all here, should we open Secret Santa gifts?"   
Everyone gathered their gifts for each other from under the tree. Link was the first to get his. He handed it to Impa. "Merry Christmas, Impa," he said, grinning.   
He watched Impa open her new eyeshadow, and when he looked up, he saw Nabooru, Zelda AND Ruto all standing across the room with huge gifts in their hands, eyeing Link.   
"Uh..." he stammered, stepping backwards.   
Then all three girls raced over to him, tackled him to the ground, and began screaming at him.  
"HERE LINK I GOT YOUR NAME! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"  
"HEY LINK TAKE A LOOKIT WHAT I GOT CHA! LOOK! TAKE A LOOK!"  
"LINKY-POO, HERE! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"  
"YOU? YOU DIDN'T GET HIS NAME, I GOT HIS NAME!"  
"YOU'RE BOTH LIARS! I GOT HIS NAME!"  
"AAGGGH!" he shrieked. "GETOFF! GETOFF! LEAVE ME ALOOOONE!"  
All three girls jumped up and stepped back, leaving Link with several black eyes and a pile of three gifts.   
"Uh, thanks..." he said.   
The girls watched in happy anticipation as Link slowly opened the first present.  
"It's from Ruto..." he said. "It's... HEY! Dr. Kokiri's Tunic Dry Cleaning Kit AND a new tunic! Thanks, Ruto!"  
Ruto smiled, and the other two glared at her.  
"And this one's from Zelda... It's... a sword polishing kit! Hey, thanks Zel!"  
Zelda smiled even more than Nabooru.  
"And this one's from Nabooru..." Link said. He tore off the paper, and...  
"HOLY CRAP! THE HARRY POTTER SPELLCASTER PLAYSET!" he shrieked. "AAAGGH! I WANTED ONE OF THESE SO BADLY! IT'LL GO GREAT WITH WHAT MALON GOT ME!"  
"MALON!?" gasped Zelda. She turned to Malon and glared. "Hey babe, I was Link's Secret Santa!"  
"No, you were not!" Malon yelled. "It was ME!"  
"You're both liars!" Nabooru shrieked. "I got Link's name!"  
"NO WAY!" Ruto cried. "He's MY fiancé and MY Secret Santa!"   
The four girls got into an angry squabble, and Link stared stupidly at the stumped faces of Impa, Ganondorf, LL and Darunia. Darunia was busy snacking on the model clay set that Impa had bought him, and every once and a while LL would take a little bit too.   
"Whoa, whoa WHOA!" Link yelled at the girls, who were now trying to rip each other's hair (and scales, in Ruto's case) out. "Only one of you could really have been my Secret Santa... The rest of you blew off your real people to get me something. Tell me the truth, now... Who had my name?"  
The girls all stumbled around for a minute, and Nabooru raised her hand. "I did! I had your name!"  
"Who did you have, Zelda?" asked Link.  
"I had... Ruto." Zelda sighed.  
"HEY!" Ruto snapped.  
"And who did you have, Ruto?"  
"Malon..." Ruto said sheepishly.   
"And Malon?"  
"Nabooru..."   
"SO WAIT A MINUTE!" Zelda snapped. "WHO HAD ME, THEN?"  
"I did!" said a weak voice from behind them.  
  
Hobbling up the stairs in a cast and crutches was Saria! Right behind her helping her walk was Rauru, dressed in his Christmas finest and carrying a bunch of packages.  
"Ho, ho, ho!" Rauru cried. "Merry Christmas, everyone!"  
"Rauru!" gasped Impa. "But you hate Christmas!"   
"Not anymore!" Saria grinned. "He told me so when he was helping me up the stairs!"  
"It took a big, flabby me and one nasty sponge bath to change my mind," Rauru said.  
Saria cut in again. "And I'm ashamed of you guys! Fighting over Link, when you were supposed to give each other things?"  
"That's what got you pushed down the stairs, Saria." Malon snapped.   
"So then, who had you, Saria?" asked Link.  
"Darunia. And luckily, his gift was a pair of crutches..." she sighed.   
"It WAS?" gasped Darunia. "Oh. So maybe it was."  
"Saria's right..." Zelda sighed. "We were all being so stupid! We forgot what the season is really about."   
"Christmas is the time for sharing! Christmas is the time for caring! If you believe in Christmas things, you'll know the joy that Christmas brings!" Rauru sang happily.  
"Wasn't that on a holiday episode of Becker?" asked Link.  
"Oh, shut up!" Rauru snapped. He threw out his presents for everyone, which (because this is a cliché special) happened to be exactly what everyone wanted.   
"A new pair of parachute pants!" Nabooru squealed.  
"A SET OF ENGAGEMENT RINGS!" Ruto gasped.  
"A ROCK!" Darunia grinned.  
"And one for me, too!" LL added.  
"A new set of body armor!" Impa cooed.  
"The Triforces of Wisdom and Courage!" Ganondorf giggled maniacally.  
"Oops, sorry Ganondorf, my mistake. Those are Zelda and Link's. They left them at my house," Rauru said, snatching them back from him.  
"Awww..." Ganondorf sighed. "Hey! A bottle of Rogaine!"  
"New earrings!" Zelda smiled.  
"A booster seat!" Saria laughed.  
"And for me..." Link said, "A SIGNED COPY OF HARRY POTTER BOOK FIVE THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX? AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!" he shrieked blissfully. "I THINK I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE! AAAGGGGHHHH!"  
  
~~~~~~~ Clichéd Ending! ~~~~~~~  
  
Outside, Santa's reindeer flew off into the sky, until they were only a brief flash of starlight.   
It stopped snowing so hard and it became a soft sprinkling of white instead of a blizzard.  
"MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!" Darunia screamed.  
"Look, Daddy!" LL said (with his voice now up two octaves), pointing at a bell on the tree. "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings!"  
Ganondorf and Impa made out some more.   
Zelda and Malon, the lifelong competitors for Link's attention, looked at each other, sighed, and hugged like friends.  
Ruto smiled, snuck up behind Link, and slipped one of the engagement rings Rauru had given her on his finger. Then she put the other one on and laughed.   
Link shrieked in fear when he saw the ring, then looked at Ruto's sad face. He rolled his eyes, shrugged, and gave the Water Sage a big hug.   
Saria hobbled over to the tree on crutches, and said (with English accent) "God Bless us! Everyone!"  
"Yes," said Rauru cheerily. "Everyone..."  
  
And at that second, out the window, there was a small flash through the sky.   
"Oh, ho, ho... thank you for picking me up off the ground like that, Harry!" said Santa. "I appreciate it so much!"  
"It's no problem, Santa!" said Harry Potter, at the controls of his broomstick. "It is Christmas after all."  
"I do wish that weird little guy behind me would stop screaming, though..." Santa sighed.  
"KOOLOO LIMPAH! TINGLE WILL FINALLY BE A WIZARD!"   
  
At that second, everyone in Hyrule (yes... EVERYONE) started singing "Joy To The World" in true clichéy Christmas special style.  
  
"JOY TO THE WORLD! THE LORD IS COME! LET EARTH RECEIVE HER KING!"  
"... WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BOOOODY? I FLUSHED IT DOWN THE POOOOTTY AND ROUND AND ROUND IT GOES, AND ROUND AND ROUND IT-"  
"GANONDOOOOOOORF!"  
  
~~~ The (Very, Very, Very, Very) End! (Amen!) ~~~ 


End file.
